yesterday was nine months since michael died. it has been a hard week leading up to yesterday. i am not sure why nine months seems to bother me so much...maybe because you have a baby in nine months...maybe because you can plan a wedding in nine months...maybe because in three months it will be a year since michael died. a year! i must be stuck in a time warp because it still feels like it happened yesterday. maybe that is what happens when it is a sudden death like michael's was. i just don't know. i keep searching for answers. i have now learned how to take life "moment to moment". if i think about the rest of my life without michael i will go crazy. i look for the positive in whatever i do...but at the end of the day when i get in that bed alone...i am still so incredibly sad and miss michael's snoring! there are so many things i want to do...sometimes i can do them...sometimes i can't...this business of grieving in a wait and see kind of thing. you have to feel it and there doesn't seem to be anyway of getting out of it. time to clean the is coming soon! i really don't care about a clean house anymore...but a little voice in my head is telling me to clean!

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