Well it's been just over a month.  I've hidden all my brother's pictures.  Looking at them was just too painful.  Not looking at them makes it seem like it's not real.  Which is fine by me at the mom…

Well it's been just over a month.  I've hidden all my brother's pictures.  Looking at them was just too painful.  Not looking at them makes it seem like it's not real.  Which is fine by me at the moment.  I can focus on other things. 

 I still don't sleep well at night.  My brain stays busy and I don't feel like I really slept when I wake up- which is early and often.  Unusual for me.  The weirdest stuff makes me nervous and anxious.  The only thing that keeps my mind free is walking around Costco.  I just walk around for hours.  I don't buy anything.   

My brother's wife has taken up smoking and drinking and losing her temper and yelling at the kids.  I can't blame her but it's not good.  The smoking- as far as personal vices go, is nobody's business but her own but her family gets really mad at her for it and yet the binge drinking, which completely messes with her ability to maintain normal family life the day afterward- they are perfectly okay with.  They bring alcohol over and let her drink all she wants.  Not everyday.  She isn't consuming alcohol 24/7.  But whenever people come over they bring it with them and she drinks more than enough to get buzzed. But if you were going to have to pick your battles wouldn't behavior altering drinking then trying to drive your kids home drunk be the main concern?  Who cares about smoking at this point.  If something's gotta give I say let her smoke for a year to keep her nerves together. When she's through the worst of this she can deal with that. We have brought up the drinking issue.  She says okay but then ... I hope it doesn't get worse.

We are around as much as possible.   In fact, my sister went over to stay for an indefinite amount of time.  Which is how we know all this.  When she yells or gets angry we just hug her.  I think we all realize what that's about.  We hurt for her.  If drinking really could help with pain instead of making it worse we'd bring it in by the truckload.  But it just delays everything.  And her kids know things are different.  Whenever things get really bad they ask where Daddy is and if he can see them. Of course she said yes.  Then the horrid thought came to my mom that the kids might have been asking in hopes that Daddy would be able to help.  Does this mean they might be thinking he can see them but isn't bothering to help?  The oldest gets very stiff and keeps trying to smooth things over whenever she gets upset.  When she does, she apologizes immediately then overcompensates by buying stuff or giving in to something she normally wouldn't give in to. 

It's not like she can really help it.  She didn't ask for this. She didn't make bad decisions that got her to this place.  She was living a perfectly normal life raising her kids and looking forward to a future then - bam- her husband is gone forever.

We still have to deal with his ashes.  Just thinking about it makes my stomach sick.  So I don't.  To many questions and wants get dredged up with that.  A kind friend explained to me about the ashes and all of a sudden I hurt so bad all through my whole body I almost couldn't breath. 

One of my siblings has remained very upbeat and positive.  I do not know if this is an act to keep a brave face, a way to avoid or simply because he is truly not that affected. I avoid talking to him about anything but general stuff because the insinuations have been that I am being a bit dramatic.  That I do not understand.  I keep all of this stuff to myself and I have shared my emotions with only my mom.  If that's being dramatic he must be a stone.  Thinking about it pisses me off so I just don't talk.  My stomach gets upset at having to deal with anything where I am not certain of the outcome.  I am very tired.

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Comment by Brianne Phillips on July 17, 2013 at 5:42am
I cant look at my brothers pictures either still and it sucks because my mom has 2 huge portraits from my brothers funeral in her living room so its inevitable to see him there but to me its just kind of creepy. My nephew hates being in the living room now because of the pictures and ive explained to him that thats all grandma has left of him besides his ashes. And as your sister in law has, my mom has found comfort in the alcohol and smoking. I know everyone deals in their own way but sometimes being around her when shes drunk is annoying. Im ranting lol sorry I just found this similiar to some things that are going on with me

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