how is anyone ever going to know

How is anyone ever going to know all the great things my son done is his very short life. He saved so many lives because of his illness. The dr's at Vanderbilt used him to teach many dr's new methods that worked on him. He was one of a kind. He is the only person in the world to ever survive a stemcell transplant with stage 4 cirrosis of the liver due to the chemo they gave him. How are they ever going to know how meek and mellow he was. But when it came to his family he could kill. He was a very special boy and not because he was mine but because of who he was. I often wonder how the dr's sleep at night knowing they gave to much medicine and most likely killed someone? Often wonder would dr's feel the same way if it were their child? Would anything have changed? Would they ever given the same meds to theirs as they did ours? Why is it that when it is malpractice they never get jail time. Do they ever really think how they have ruined so many lives and cheated so many out of that person? Why isn't is called what it is murder?
When the good Lord took my son home he took my life. My family is broken. My family will never be the same and if we speak to each other it will be a miracle from God. I am by no means mad at God just the dr's. People call me to tell me they are having a charity event for cancer and I can't move. I have given enough. I paid my dues and some. I didn't just loose my son I lost my other kids to. One no longer speaks to other and it is just a matter of healing. When you have 2 siblings that are a bone marrow match and one is the donor and now he feels like it is his fault he is gone. The other just is eat up with guilt that if she had been the donor he would still be here. I have to live and try to understand it all. I don't understand through the 5 year ordeal we went throuht why did God heal him so many times just to take him now. It makes no since. All the hours days weeks months and years sitting by his bed side begging him to live and begging God. Sleepless nights and night mares to follow. I just don't get it at all. I want my son back. He was the glue that kept my little family together. Now he is gone and so is the glue. We will never be the same. We are a lost family and I am a mother without her son. This is so unfair I feel so cheated. You all that had older kids that pasted and left a child behind are so lucky. I would give anything just to be able to hold a part of him. When he left he took my heart with him. I just don't know what to do or where to go. I can't help the others because I am so devistated myself. I have been through hell, Lost my mother to a car accident 2 years ago but couldn't stop to grieve for her because it was time for Chris's transplant. The after care of that is unbelieveable.All that work to see him through nurse him back to health only to loose him because a dr didnt read a warning lable on a bottle. My life sucks and it will always suck. I am a mother without a family now because of death.

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