Mother's Day. I have early memories of being a kid. Of shopping for bathrobes with my dad, making cards for my mom of breakfasts in bed, of a normal, happy family but then my mom died when I was 11 about a month before Mother's Day. For years I hated it. In school we would make gifts and do projects for our mom for Mother's Day and I always felt awkward, embarrassed. I would make something for my grandmother, it wasn't the same, everyone else had their mom. I always thought that teacher's should be aware of these situations, protect children that are already suffering from any additional pain. Like the actual day was not hard enough, not having a mom to make pancakes for and shop for...why string it out over a week, making school that much harder?

For about 17 years I HATED Mother's Day and the reminder that my mom was gone and then I had Cayden. I was a mom, I had a reason to celebrate, I still missed my mom but it made it easier, it was my turn. And for seven years I had my turn. First two were with Cayden, then the next three with with Cayden and Reese and the last two were with all 3 of my girls Cayden, Reese and Emerson. Last year for Mother's Day we were in Florida. The kids had such a stomach bug, I was up with Reese ALL night the night before Mothers Day. She must have thrown up 20 times, she was sooo sick, but it was ok, I was a mom taking care of my girls. I was happy, even while our vacation was being ruined with a vicious stomach bug I was happy, we made the best of it.

Today starts the beginning of my "new" Mother's Days. Worse than any I have yet. For this year I am not only a daughter without a mother but I am a mother without her daughter. A mother without her PERFECTLY HEALTHY child. A mother in mourning, a mother who feels nothing but pain and has to fight to breathe even when she no longer wants to because as a mother it is not about me but about hanging in there for Cayden and Reese. What will they say about their memories of today. That their mom laid on the couching sobbing until her face was so swollen they could no longer recognize this how their stories start...where will they go from here? Will they remember the few good ones we had together before their sister died and their mom lost her mind?

I woke up crying. I begged Emmie to come to me in my dreams last night, to offer me a moments peace but she is little, I ask too much and she was not there. My 7 year old came into my room so proud to present me with the card and "mom coupons" she made me at school. They were sweet, the way she sounded out words to tell me I am awesome (osim). But then they left to go to my mother in laws. I told my husband I wanted no acknowledgement of the day, no cards, nothing. I heard my 7 year old wish she was 16 so she could make sausage and pancakes for me, because she reasoned that is all moms really want. I am so sad that like me as a child she is not having a normal Mother's Day but I can not function, I hope she has fun at her Grammie's. Once they are gone, I get up and watch Emmie's videos. In one of them she chants MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, at least I can hear her voice call my name, it hurts so much. I decide to leave the house. I take Emerson's stuffed Boots the Monkey with me, maybe it will help me feel her close. I drove out to W. Roxbury, about an hour away, clinging to a stuffed cartoon monkey. My grandmother died a year ago and is buried there. I had not seen the headstone yet so I went. I sat in the grass and wept. I wept for the sadness in this world for the losses my grandmother had and then I cried for Emerson. She was TWO, I found myself howling. SHE WAS TWO. I did everything right and SHE WAS TWO. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I begged my nana to please somehow let me know Emerson is ok that I will see her again. I HATE this life. I left and went to my mom's grave in Weymouth, it was crowded there and I had no privacy but again, I begged my mom to help me, to let me know Emmie is ok. But even if I know, nothing will ever be truly ok again, my daughter is not here with me.

Every day is painful, every day hurts, but today knowing what should be, how the day should go and what actually is, I just want to curl up and die. That makes me sad because then my kids will have no chance at a normal Mother's Day ever again...but a mom without a child on a day like today is just too cruel. It is worse than when I was a child without a mom. Emerson Lily, mama loves you so much.

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