Honey,

I just saw an ad for a new movie, its called "Despicable me". it is animated and I don't know why but in looking at the commercial I KNOW it would make you laugh, even though it is too old for you, I KNOW you would like it, I know what laugh it would be, the belly laugh that starts out slow and builds. I KNOW exactly what your face would look like as you smiled and what your body would feel like as it shook with the laughter. I know your sisters will want to see it but this time you could "come too". We would take you to the movie theatre and bring your gickie and blankie just in case you did not like it you could have a cuddle and sleep on mamas lap. I WANT to share that moment with you but I can't. I am in the corner of the couch and dada can't see my face but I am silently screaming, I am gasping for air, tears are dripping down the front of my shirt I can not breathe, I can not DO this life without you.

Thinking of the theatre has reminded me of going to the laser show at Christmas time. Remember the lights made a doggie, you loved that. I remember worrying the lights were too much for you. I vaguely in the back of my head read something about lights causing seizures in children and I worried, not because I had any reason to but just because I did, I always worried about you, you were in perfect health but I KNEW I had to always keep you safe because I KNEW I could not live without you. I was right, I am not living, I am just here.

I took Cade and Reese to the beach this afternoon, just to pass the day until I can crawl into bed and think of you. Does that make you sad, do you feel left out? I am so afraid of hurting you, nobody understands. They made friends and stayed busy. I sat there for 3 hours, alone, thinking of you, talking to you, missing you, loving you. I stared at the waves, at the sky, are you out there? Then it happened, a Dad asked me "you have two girls?". I told him honey, as hard as it was for me to choke out the words I would NEVER leave you out, I have THREE girls, you are my daughter, ALWAYS, NOTHING can change that. I told him, no I have three, I told him what happened, and how much I miss you. It was so hard but I did it for you baby, for us, I will NEVER leave you out, you are my love, always. Emmie, , I don't want to be here without you, I miss you so much, I love you so much, I need you so much. One more day closer to you baby.

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