On July 5, 2010 my husband of 27 years was suddenly taken from me due to a heart attack at the age of 51. Just 6 months earlier he had been hospitalized for 3 days for chest pains... on a heart monitor the entire time, several EKG's, ultrasounds of heart, stress tests... they sent him home saying it was ACID REFLUX and not to worry about it. Now, he is gone because of heart disease... something the hospital should have taken care of. I believe they did nothing because we did not have insurance at the time.
I am broken, devastated, angry... alone.... I miss him so much. I go through the motions daily, doing what I have to do, but nothing is the same. When in the shower, I smell him... I walk through the house, see something and it reminds me of him. I would like to believe that I am handling things ok, but in reality, I am not. He loved to listen to music. If he was in the kitchen, bathroom, outside, he always turned on the radio... I can't stand to listen to music now. We loved to fish, now I can't stand to look at the fishing poles. I don't know how to live daily without him. He is the one who was always there to hold me and let me know that things were going to be alright.... now I have no one. The first week all I wanted to do is look at pictures of him, now I am finding that it is just too painful. I have a video of him playing peek-a-boo with one of the grand kids. I watched it many times that first week, just to hear his voice. Now I can't. A friend of mine made me a beautiful video in remembrance of him. I have seen it a couple of times... When she gave it to me, when the kids saw it for the first time, then the grand kids... now I can't watch it. I am hoping there will come a time that I can watch it and remember the great times and memories we made together, but for now it is just too painful.
I know that this is my 'new' life... a life without him. I don't know how to do this. We did everything together. Very seldom was there a time that we left this house that we were not together. How do I carry on? How do I live daily with him not with me. I talk to him every day. I tell him good morning, and every night I sit on the bed and talk to him, but all I can think about is that night... the paramedics... the monitor.... the sounds.... the shocks.... the CPR.... I kept thinking that any minute he was going to come back, but he never did. It didn't sink in until at the hospital when the doctor stopped CPR. My world came crashing down around me. I was holding his hand, telling him to fight, but he couldn't. I am just totally destroyed. I have always said that things happen for a reason, now I find myself questioning that. What is the reason for this? I know I have family around me, but I am so alone... I am a zombie...
I have been through so much these past few weeks. First I find out that the life insurance I thought we had is not there. I had to rely on family to pay for the funeral, which made me feel horrible. He always took care of me, and I could not take care of him this one last time. There were 2 days that no one seemed to know where his body was... the funeral home has put me through so much turmoil... everything that could go wrong went wrong.
Baby, I love you more than you could ever know. You will always be in my heart....... Rest in Peace my sweet love.