It has been eleven months since Nick died. I really cannot even believe it still. Last year on July 13th, 2009, Nickolas has been in the hospital for 39 DAYS! Can anyone believe that? I cannot believe it and I freakin' lived it!!!! As I go through this summer, I think about how last summer basically did not even exist! Whole chunks of my life seem to be missing and I have to constantly do a review in my head..."Oh yeah, last summer I wasn't at the studio. I was at the hospital every day." The summer didn't exist for Nick. His life was the four wall of that f*ckin' hospital room, day in and day out. Now it's one thing if you think there is a purpose to being there, if you think you are going to get better and go home and have a life again. When I look at pictures or read my daily notes of what was going on, I am really wondering how the hell Nickolas was able to endure all the painful procedures, the constant emotional upheaval, the physical deterioration of his body, the loss of his life as he knew it...everything just gone in what seemed like a blink of an eye.
The pain of watching Nick suffer like this was and is still terrible. The only way I can deal with it is to block all thoughts of that time from my mind. I was powerless to protect him or take away his pain. I did what I could, but, it wasn't enough. Even the chance to hold and comfort your child is taken away due to all the tubes and machines and constant interruptions. And when you have an "adult" child it is even worse because they are "grown-up" and they are not supposed to need hugs. They are not supposed to need their Moms. That is one thing I am so glad that I refused to let them take from me...Nick wanted his family close to him. He was always asking for someone to "snuggle" with him. At the end, when he was on the breathing machine, it was so much harder to hold him and give him hugs. All I wanted to do was hold him and make him feel safe and be able to tell him everything was going to be alright. I wanted to be able to bring him home and not let him die in the hospital. Nick hated the hospital and this is one of my deepest regrets about his final days.
On July 13th last year, Nick was subjected to yet ANOTHER bronchoscopy (that showed nothing) and he had the trach tube placed in his neck and the feeding tube placed in his belly. How horrible that on this same date, one month later, Nick would be dead! My poor sweet, beautiful son, gone forever. I cannot imagine how scared you must have been and yet you were so brave. I am so sorry Nick for everything that I couldn't fix. God bless you my sweet boy. My heart was aching all day yesterday. I miss you more than all the stars in the sky. I love you more than a wagon full of puppies. Please come home. Mom
I couldn't bring myself to put a picture of Nick with his trach. It is a very sad, sad picture and it only makes me cry. So I chose a different picture instead.
“Those with the greatest awareness have the greatest nightmares. ~ Mahatma Gandhi