Tomorrow marks 4 years since my 32 yr old brother passed away from alcoholism. I vividy recall some days especially around now his body that day.. its etched in my mind.  I have lived a full life and carried on. My heart and soul have not been so fast. 4 years and the pain is still like yesterday .  I miss him so much. What is killing me is that while my family gathers tomorrow my other sibling always chooses to not take part in any family gatherings. He makes excuses to not come. It breaks my heart. As a family i think we should be together, but he doesn't. He makes the whole thing more heartbreaking. I know that we each grieve differently, but the fact he skips out makes the hole bigger. I feel for my parents. Its just so messed up. I feel lost in that because im powerless and yet it hurts me.  Grief is an individual journey.  Its easy to look at the wonderful things about mike and maybe he is in a better place, but accepting that he isnt here is also tough.  I am so spiritual and my head knows it, my heart just cant seem to let go...........  I hope that as time passes the pain lessens. I put up the tree this year for xmas and had no tears. its progress. sloe and steady...