A family of one

Hello, I just joined the group. I am having a really BAD day, can't stop crying.
My darling husband of 29 years died unexpectedly in August last year. I was overseas at the time. We have no children and no extended family where we live and very few friends. I had to ask the neighbour to check why he was not answering his phone and it took for EVER. I wanted him to break the door down but he was saying I am over reacting. Eventually my neighbour was able to open a small window and see though the bedroom curtains and he said he was unresponsive. The next minute the police comes to the phone and they say ' I am sorry, he has gone'. I was on the other side of the world and my darling was dead. It haunts me that he died alone. It was a cardiac arrest apparently caused by a virus that attacked his heart.He went to the doctor the day before for a check up and all was well. He was fit and only 61. They say he died in his sleep but how do they know? I could have been home with him. Could I have saved him? We were holidaying together visiting my my family in Europe but he needed to come home one week early. I asked him if he wanted me to go with him and he said' I would like that very much' but I didn't because my mum was upset that I was leaving earlier that expected.It was only a week. Last time I saw him alive was at the airport. I did not speak to him the day he died as we were both busy. I know he was happy as he had quite a social day,lunch and dinner with friends and he was happy. It haunts me that I was not there for him.
I am now living alone with my cat, I go to work as I am only 52. No family close by but I want to be in our home. I had to fill in a form the other day and I did not know what to put for' next of kin'. People expected me to return to Europe to my family but that is the last thing I want to do. I would have a lot more support there but it does not feel right. It is so tough not to have family though. I keep busy with work, I go to workshops, I meditate, I am looking after my husband's legacy and I am looking for a dog. I tried to set up a widow's group but got no response in my area. Just after David died a new neighbour arrived, a divorced lady with grown children. She has been a god send and I catch up with her a couple of times a week. I miss David so much, I met him when I was 20 and he has been an amazing husband. It was just us two. Now just me.

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Comment by Charles E. Nelson on May 24, 2017 at 9:33am: Hello Sandfly,

I am sorry for the sad loss that has brought you here to this group. and welcome you into this place of support, of understanding, and of healing. I found Legacy 6 months after losing my husband Larry, and the compassionate people here held my hand and walked me through the darkest and most frighteningly lonely days (and nights) of my life. One of those wonderful souls has already reached out to you, and she was one of the first to do the same for me. We are indeed a family - an "uncommon" family as I like to say, and we listen without judgement. This was especially meaningful to me finding myself without my husband in a world that sometimes denied the validity of our love for one another.

The way you describe choosing to stay in the States rather than return to Europe makes me think of how I felt when most people around me wanted me to sell our home and move immediately, not recognizing my complete inability to comprehend how I was going to get through the next hour, much less the rest of my life.

Like you, I was not by Larry's side when he passed from cancer, and also ask myself if somehow I could have made his last hours easier for him...but as the saying goes, "that way lies madness", so I choke off those thoughts before they send me into a downward spiral from which it will take days to recover.

For now, I can only offer my prayers for you that you find some peace today, and that as lonely as you may be feeling, please know that here, in this loving family, none of us are ever alone. We have the watchful spirits of our loved ones, and the love and support of the angels here with us always.

Be well, and be kind to yourself -

Love,

Chuck

Comment by Jane P. on May 24, 2017 at 5:21am: Sandfly, I just read your post and yes I too am alone in this world, with just my 2 dogs, no children and no husband! I have not posted in some time but for some reason your post appeared in my in box so i feel obligated to comment. I lost my husband to cancer in 2011 and even though it may seem like a long time it is not to me. What you are experiencing is normal the doubts, the what-ifs, the if only.....but with that said, you have come to a wonderful group who will guide you and make you realize you are not going crazy, these are all feeling we at one time or another experienced. Stay with them and share your thoughts someone will guide you, pick you up when you fall or just plain listen to you. Hang in there, this is something you will need to learn how to get through and it will be something you will never get over. Hugs, Jane P