Will this flood of pain & sorrow, grief & agony, self pity & lonliness, confusion & regret, longinging & hope, that consumes me, that pours from me through tears, that clouds my thoughts, steals my breathe, grips my soul, will it ever end? Will it continue until I too draw my last breathe? My family and friends have lost the mother, daughter, sister, and companion they once had, not as I have lost the one I love and adore, but they suffer a loss just the same. I will never be who I once was. I will never be innocent of the agony death causes. I will never again enjoy life to the utmost, with highest expectations and endless possibilities. I will never again wake to satisfaction, peace & contentment of having my dearest love, my protector, my inspiration, my clown, my advisor, my one and only, by my side! I will never be 100% again as long as I remain on earth. I lost a large part of me nearly 11 months ago. Yes, he remains in my thoughts, in my heart and most of his things remain in our home untouched since August 2011, but I need him, not his things, nothing else will suffice! Surely God in His wisdom knows I cannot carry on in this world without him! What is it I am supposed to be learning, or changing, or improving on? Why was I blessed so abundantly only to have it ripped away so soon?