The subject line of this blog runs through my head a lot sometimes.      It reminds me of the Agatha Christie book "And Then There Were None" 

 

There were 5 people in my family...and now there are 4. 

 

Nowhere is this more apparent than when I get together with my family.  I can get together with just my mother okay...although maybe not at her house.  But add my Dad and/or my sister Pam...and I have a hard time.

 

Then it just feels like there's this overwhelming hole there...and it hurts a lot.   Although Easter wasn't too bad...and Mother's Day was great...I think this feeling is worse on most holidays.

 

I want to find a way to make it more bearable...or I'm going to soon be tempted to simply skip holidays. 

Memorial Day was not good.  I don't know what happened.  I was not anticipating a problem.  But it was difficult for me...and worse when I got home.  By the time I got home I felt like I had been punched in the stomach...I was sad, depressed, and really wanted my sister back. 

And I was once again hit by the finality of death.  I just don't know why that is so very hard to take in!!

 

NOTE:  I actually wrote this is May to one of my online support groups.  Since then I have bought a small bouquet of fake flowers...as well as a 4x6 frame.  (the frame of course has a picture of Liz in it)  I put these in my parents' living room.  (I spend most of my holidays at my parents' house)  This has actually helped considerably.  In a way...it's like she's there.  And this makes it bearable for me.  And that's what I was looking for! 

 

But that's just for the minor holidays.  I have yet to hit the major ones yet!  I've been preparing for them by making pretty online frames for some pictures where I wish my sister a happy holiday.  And also make collages of the different elements of the holiday...a wish for her...and usually a picture of her that I plan on printing before the holiday, and holding on to it on that day. 

 

For me...I need to figure out how I am going to handle each holiday ahead of time.  And I mean as far ahead of time as I can.  I've been pretty anxious about some of them until I have figured them out.  Then even though I might still have some anxiety...I have even more peace about them.