Hi! My name I Marilyn, and I am new to this forum.

My soul mate and husband  died on April 21 after a heroic, eleven year battle with prostate cancer.

We were only married for 18 months, a second marriage for both of us, before the diagnosis of prostate cancer, and then there were three of us in our marriage for the remaining 10 years - me, Richard, and cancer. It affected not only my husband life's, but mine as well - intimacy, planning for the future, the ability to travel and plan for retirement - just everything.

Throughout the cancer journey, I was at his side - for every doctor appointment, every scan, every radiation treatment, every chemo treatment, and every cystoscopy.

The last six months of his life were hellish because the cancer had metastasized to his bones. I was at his side for that as well, trying, with the aid of in-home hospice, to control his pain; and then finally having to relinquish him to an in-patient hospice for the last four horrible, agonizing days of his life. I was there 24/7 and held his hand as he drew his last breath. For as long as I live, I hope I never have to witness that kind of agony for a loved one - or anyone for that matter.

Because the disease process was so long, I thought I would have been better prepared for his passing. but I feel like a lost puppy, with no sense of direction and a large hole in my heart. There are times when the pain actually washes over me and literally drops me to my knees.

I have good friends but no one who understands the devastation that I feel. There is no family close - and I'm, not sure that they would "get it" either.

I'm writing because I need some advice from someone else who has experienced a loss of this magnitude; a loss of their other half. How does one go on? How does one find purpose again? How can one ever experience happiness again?

Time seems to drag on and on...days seem so long, the nights longer. I now really believe time is elastic.

If anyone has experience a similar loss or has any suggestions on ways to cope, to find meaning once again in life, I would really appreciate your advice.

Thank-you for read my ramblings.

Marilyn