Well next month it will be 5 years since my brother passed away from alcoholism at 32 years old.  It feels crazy that amount time has passed... I think I may have been living in a bubble the first 2 or 3 years just managing daily life and trying to get through.  Other people share that it gets easier ..... I cant say I agree.  Although I moved on with life and have a great life, it has not remotely made a difference in the amount of pain I feel, or the fact that he inst coming back.  It feels like yesterday sometimes. I see his lifeless body in my mind still some days. I am a believer that this is part of my story and if anything it has shaped me and given me strength when i thought i could just roll over and hide forever.  I had a baby girl 2 months ago and I truly believe that my brother made it possible .  In spite of his death I have changed many things in my life for the better.  At 42 i didnt see another baby, but I feel ike she is a gift from him and I hold that close to my heart.  5 years.... I am watching my family still struggle and not deal with grief. Its sad how it has changed my other brother and I's relationship as well. Things havent been the same since.  Holidays are nasty. Especially xmas time... I dont think ive changed how I feel, I have just accepted that this is part of my life story. I AM NOT ALONE. so many of us and others lose people we love all the time.  I know that he walks beside me even though thats hard to swallow at times.  Im a point where i know that I will never get over this. I choose to talk about him all the time and cry when i need too cry. ( this can be out of the blue) triggers suck... I do hope that everyone here has some healing and a means to keep on keeping on.