So I'm new to this whole thing.. But here's the story. I'm 17 years old and my big brother (24) committed suicide on September 30th. He was a really bad drinker, and he knew he needed help. He was my best friend. I went through a stage of about a year an a half getting bullied, and he was the only one that was there for me and helped me through it. I spent every waking moment with him, he would even sleep on my floor in my room some nights. We went riding, fishing, everytime I was hungry he'd take me to Denny's. He surprised me with Justin Moore tickets one day, and we fooled my mom into thinking we went to Ohio for the weekend lol. He never failed to make me laugh and brighten up my day. Then he got a DWI... I joked around with him saying "I told you I should have been your DD" and he laughed. But then he didn't talk to me for a week.. It was really strange. Then I found out one Monday afternoon that he had shot himself. My question is why? Why would he do it? Why didn't I know? Why didn't he tell me he was hurting? Many people have told me it's because he knew I could stop him.. He had a way of saying "goodbye" to everyone besides me. Which kills me, because I don't know if he's mad at me or not. I need answers and I want to go see a medium, but I don't think i would trust someone enough to try to tell me what my brother is saying. I have been having a lot of problems, but i don't want to talk to anyone. I'm really selfish about it. I actually have had a few times where i think he's there in spirit. It has just been the worst 6 months of my life and i never think its going to get better. Ive missed 24 days of school just this semester and it started in January. It's insane, and i don't even like talking about it to my boyfriend. People in school constantly ask about him. There has been rumors of how he actually died. It's not that hard, he shot himself. I just feel like if they don't know the situation then they shouldn't talk about it. Well, that's my first "blog." even though i still don't know how to work this lol...