I am probably one of the few females on the planet that cannot express emotions properly. My Dad passed away on 1/3/13, and I have been battling an uphill battle of anger/pain/guilt ever since. My father died at a very young age of 55 years old abruptly, having a heart attack and was gone. Words cannot describe how difficult this has been for me, being only 28 years old. Being younger and losing grandparents it does break your heart a bit, but over time you grow accustomed to not having them around and you adjust somewhat quickly. No one can prepare you to lose a parent, the younger you are the more difficult it is to process. It feels like he is on vacation, and I just cannot see him like I am being punished and having him ripped from me. It feels like my heart is being broken every time I talk about him again. I am normally incredibly guarded and don't open up but that habit is turning my pain into agony because I don't want to talk about how much it hurts and be pitied. I was never close to my father's side of the family, I lost all ties with that side of my family now. My father was Serbian and Romanian, speaking Serbian fluently. I always wished he would have taught me how to speak it, but he felt guilty growing up that my Mom is American as they come, that he would be leaving her out. I started telling him about 7 months ago that when my husband and I start having children, I want him only speaking to them in Serbian. I want them to have that special bond with him, and to be billingual in a language that is not very popular is a beautiful gift to have. I have no way of having that happen now. You have no idea how many of the little things you have taken for granted until it's taken away from you. I am trying to be as strong as I can, for my Mom who has been beyond strong herself during this time. I cannot fathom losing my husband and starting over and how heart breaking that is. I just feel lost, no one can understand this sinking feeling unless you have been through something like this yourself. I have days where I am so frustrated and have begged him to show me a sign he is okay, turn a light off and on, make a shelf topple over, something. I have not even dreamed of him since he has passed. I don't know if it's the comfort of knowing he is okay that I am looking for, or the idea seeing or knowing he is around me that I am begging for.
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