I met my husband Geoffrey Joseph17 years ago, I was coming out of a divorce, and had 3 small children. I had just sworn off men, decided to become a nun (joke) but I met him and we fell in love. He was everything that I ever wanted, and more, and he loved my children too. We married 4 years later and through thick and through thin, we were together. We had a love that I cant even describe, I was lucky, and i know it. He died August 4, 2013 of a massive heart attack at the age of 53. I was not at home, I was in Chicago for the weekend with our oldest daughter and my sister in law (my husbands little sister)

Our 20 year old found him on the floor, he was already gone. She called me to tell me the news and so I had to tell my oldest and his sister, then get into the car and drive 4 hours home. Geoffrey's 4 older brothers and my other sisters in laws, plus several nieces and nephews got to our house to be with my husband and my 2 younger children until we could get there. We are a very close family, so thank God for them.

Geoffrey did not want a Catholic funeral, he wanted a celebration of life. We had gathering of family and very close friends and had a party. Full of funny stories of Geoffrey's life. The beer/ mixed drinks shots were flowing. This is how he wanted it. No tears, or at least more laughs than tears. He loved to laugh, and have fun.  

He was cremated and ashes placed in Lake Michigan. We did everything that he wanted, and then everyone went home to live their life. I am now a widow at 45 years old. (who made up that word? Such a cold word, like a spider. There is no good word for what we are)

Now comes the hard part. I miss him so much, I beg God to bring him home to me. I ask for God to take me instead, I cant do this, I don't want to do this. How could God take someone so wonderful? He was everything to me, our kids even prefer him to me. I cant stand being without him and don't want to continue. As a Catholic, I don't believe in suicide, but I don't dare step foot in a church. God knows that I am angry with him, and it is almost easier to think that there is no God, and that Geoff's heart just gave out. If this is all some part of a master plan, I think the plan sucks. If God is all knowing, he knows that we loved each other and he took him from me anyway. He broke up my family, I think God got it wrong, he shouldn't have done this. I am angry and sad. I pray for Geoff to come to me in my dreams and the couple of times that he did, he was mad at me, and I was chasing him, begging him to not leave me. What do I do, I will never get over this, nor do I want to. 

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