My brother, Scott Lee, passed away unexpectedly on Friday, September 21, 2012. He was 46, I was 44.

I remember being in shock when I arrived at his apartment where our oldest brother found him. Alone. I debated on whether I should go in and see him. I envisioned kissing his forehead and saying goodbye. But when I entered in, I was in no way prepared for what I saw.

If someone you know is ever faced with this decision, just to see them one last time, my advice would be no. Dont see them, remember them at their happiest at their healthiest at their funniest and at the times you wished they would just go away.

He went away. I know in my heart that he is in Heaven and I know beyond any shadow that Jesus came to get Scott to heal him from his pain and his suffering.

Over the past months people just dont know what to say to me. I try to put them at ease but always want to leave them with something that brought me joy and that is that Scott is finally at peace.

But I still miss my brother. I miss my friend.

I know that it will not always hurt this badly. I know that there wont ever be a time I wont miss him. I know these things. What I dont know is how much more I can take - its like many have stated on this site...sometimes it just hurts to breathe and we have to remind ourselves to keep breathing.

So for now, I breathe...in between my tears that fall on my notes from the meeting I was in this morning.

I wonder if I will find my joy again. I dont know how to tell my story.

...breathe...

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