I went to work today, it has only been a little over a month since my precious boy has been gone. I thought to myself, "I can not do this, it is too soon. I must be cold-hearted or crazy, am I forgetting about my beautiful child?" But, I can't sit home any longer, I am at home, alone and I cry, I scream and yell, I curse at God and, forgive me, I yell at my beloved son. I know it is not healthy, I know I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Dylan. I am angry at the Universe, why? Why did this happen? And then the rage happens all over.... Going to work was a decision to save my sanity, I think. I was going to drive myself into an asylum sitting home, alone thinking about the "what if's" and the "I could've done this".
I miss my son, every single minute. I think of him all day long. I mourn and I cry, I ache and I feel lost. I do know, however, I have another child. I love him, fiercely, and he is here, in this world, and he is hurting as well. I go on for him and I go on, because I will live each day for Dylan, I will try to see the happiness that Dylan always seemed to find. It will be a long journey, as happiness seems to be eluding me, but I do know it will be there, one day and Dylan will be somehow behind whatever it is that finally gives me pleasure.
I miss my baby boy, Oh God, how I miss him. But I am trying to find strength, for him. I think he would have wanted that for me.