I have to begin at the beginning.
I am an only child but I used to be the middle child.
My younger brother died when I was 4 and I don't really remember him.
When I was 15 my older brother died on Aug 20,1990 in a car accident. I was the last one in our family to see him alive and we had fought that night. (still can't forgive myself) My brother Leif was my hero he protected me from my mother, who was very abusive and still hates me for living when both of her sons died.
I turned to boys for the love and affection I craved. Well I got pregnant with my oldest child and his father left within weeks of us finding out that I was pregnant. I gave birth to my son Keith (06/1992) 3 months before I turned 18. I started college and at times worked 2 jobs. My mother was more than happy to help me with my son. After 9+ years of being a single mother and not dating at all I met my first husband. We married on Oct. 22,2001. My mother who knew that we were going to have more children suggested (more like ordered) that I give her my son. Well I said no and she took us to court to get custody of him. By this time I was expecting my second child Lyndsie (12/2002). Three and a half years later after my third child Ian (06/2005) was born my oldest son asked me to let him 'just live with grandma' so I did. She adopted him and changed his name.
In March 2008 my fourth child Aden was born and when he was 4 weeks old I was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia in both of my lungs. After 2 days I was able to see my children and nurse my baby. The next morning my husband called me to tell me that our baby stopped breathing. Knowing what I know now I would never have nursed him with all of the medicine I was on. (never ever forgive myself)
Within a year my husband and I were divorced (05/2009)
I met a man who told me what I wanted to hear and we married (12/2010). Within 4 months I discovered that he was attempting to groom my children, he was a pedophile. Thatwas confirmed by his ex who just wanted him out of her life and didn't care about my kids. So I contacted the authorities and turned him in. He ran and I have not seen him since. Well I was pregnant with my fifth child born on 11/2011. My first husband and I had reconcilliated and I knew that I couldn't keep the child from my second husband. I allowed a wonderful couple adopt him and I know he is where he needs to be. (forgave myself but still greving the loss)
My first husband and I are planning on getting remarried soon.
I still cannot forgive myself for them being exposed to a man like my second husband.
I have accepted things and have been going through the motions but still cannot forgive myself.