I lost my daughter 10 yrs ago, she was attending college in Califonia and was coming home for the holidays to Colorado where I lived at the time.  She left on the 22nd of November and was never heard from again.

Her body was found in the middle of the desert in Arizona the following Febuary.

Which is very confusing because of the condition of her body it is pretty certain that she died the day she left, and since there was no contact from her, which she was supposed to call as soon as she got to Las Vegas, and then every time she stopped from there on out, so I know she was gone that day. She never would have let a day go by without calling me.

So I know she died on the 22nd of November 2000, but her death certificate states Febuary 15 2001, the day she was found.

She was Twenty yrs old in November when she died, but her death certificate states her age as 21, she would have turned twenty one in January.

 

In april of 2010 my 25 yr old son was diagnosed with a congenitive heart defect that was never caught before, he spent 86 days in the hospital, underwent open heart surgery and had an aortic valve replacement, the doctors told us it was the biggest inlarged heart they had ever seen. When I looked at it on the x-rays it looked like a lung it was so huge. They implanted a pace maker and defibrillator.

He got to go home and the best doctors said he would make a full recovery, he didn't he passed on November 1st.

I was a single parent since my son was two and my daughter was 6, so those kids were my whole entire life, I lived for them, I breathed for them, I worked hard to provide them with everything I possibly could because their dead beat Dad never paid a penny in child support. They were the only purpose in my life.

Now it is very hard for me to find a reason to go on, I would never dishonor my son's life by committing suicide, and would never hurt my family as much as I hurt, but pray that god will just take me.

I have suffered from such severe depression that most days I don't even get out of bed, I don't take showers, I don't eat, I don't go anywhere and don't allow company, I just can't chit chat and make small talk, and as I am sure most people here have experianced, no one will talk about it. And when I try they will change the subject. I loved and was proud of my children and I just want to share with the world how amazing they were, and how proud I was to be their Mom.

I am totally lost, and have no idea how to live now.  It took me ten yrs to finally get through most of the grief with my daughter. And then my son died almost exactly ten yrs later. I just cannot fathom going through another ten years of this heartbreak and misery.

 

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Comment by Britni on March 2, 2011 at 10:10am

Hi Jolene,

 I am truly sorry for loss. to loose both of your children has to be the hardest thing. I know no matter what I say you will still feel how you feel but if you ever need to talk about anything, I am here for you. I have lost both of my parents within two years of eachother and they were my world to. Im 21 years old and feel like im all alone even if im with a room full of people. People got about their normal lifes when you feel your stuck, you dont know what to do, where to go. Everything you said is normal to feel , its a part of grieving. the greater the love, the great the pain. but you have to have hope that things will get better. Im not sure what you believe in but I think everything happens for a reason and now we have the best guardian angels on our side. I know you rather them be here with us, so wouldnt I but I know their in a better place. We have to get up, put a smile on our face and take it one day at a time. babysteps, not huge jumps but slowly we will get better and better. I know its way easier said than done and some days are worse than others. but we cant not do anything we have to do it for us, we deserve it. you are in my thoughts and prayers and you got the strength to get you through so dont doubt yourself. !

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