I am resigned to the fact that there won't be many new developments about the point at which I'm living life now. Learning the new way to live is where I make my biggest strides. It's a dreadful thought that right as I am beginning my life journey and trying to make it in the world, and discovering what there is to live for along the way, one of the biggest reasons for all of that is lost. When I am suppose to have 'everything to live for', 'your whole life ahead of you', the person who was the only way I knew how to live at all passes from this life. I've never found the way to say it but I've often thought during the 40+ weeks that I was forced to pull through. I've also sounded utterances to myself grasping the reality of how I feel, I only now can express in words; I am alive to die. At least I know I can say that to someone to communicate just how it is to live this way. I know now that I was once alive to live, when my life wasn't just for me. But to live my life for just myself, isn't much of a life. I am intrigued by people who do exist selfishly. I've met a few, and even could stare in the mirror, but that doesn't answer how that brings contentment.
The expression that someone's life is a living hell, is a common one. I wouldn't be one to say that to describe how daily life is for me. If I could have a bumper sticker I guess I would write a similar phrase; 'My life is a living cell'. I just thought that to myself yesterday, only not in those words.
I came back to my apartment after partially taking care of an obligation, and lamented how different it feels to be out in the world than before. I was hit with feelings that being back in my apartment was like being put in prison. I imagine anyone living with what a suicide survivor goes through would have a similar thought. That is one thing that makes it so bittersweet when friends try their best to help. Because all the help they can be in the world fits into their time slot with you. When visiting hours are over, you go your separate ways. They go back to enjoying their lives and you return to your cell. Being out yesterday made me think of freedom in a different sense than I ever had to contemplate. All the time I had to be under the sky and in the daylight was like my one hour of free-time 'in the yard.' It was like I was just catching a glimpse, even though I am an active community member I could easily be purposeless. All that is good about my days are the free-times I have to spend before being sent back to my life, solitary confinement. I live vicariously now, I have no other choice. Imagine telling someone with a life sentence to lift their chin up, sure they have a choice, but that isn't much of one. Life is what you make it? How about this - Life, is what has made me.
My Savior is my saving grace, pointing my eyes heavenward. Being thankful for that is being thankful for a lot. He is nearer to me than ever before, if it could only happen without brokenness. Only problem for me being bound to things of the Heavenly nature as much as I wish, still leaves me afoot on earth and leaves heaven far afield. I'm saved as much as that will save me, but am in need of spirited guidance bound in heaven and earth to comfort me more than ever.