I'm invisible,,so long as I grieve.  Family here 'waiting' for me to be normal again.  Grief counseling is ok, guess it helps, for a day.  Hub wants me 'involved' in 'something' ...sweet mary and joseph, why can they not see.   hub tries, he does, my grief just creates more stress on him.  And that makes me feel worse.  The other 'two' here, just steer clear of me,,unless it looks like i'm in a good mood.  RARE.   I hate it here sometimes.  No friends, no one to talk to, about how I feel, about you, memories,,all that stuff.   So I walk around putting on a mask, no one sees 'me' anyhow.   hub told me last night,,,he can 'feel' my rage,,,,ok,,so another one to stuff down.  Don't want to put my rage on anyone,,I'm sick of life, sick of trying, waiting for that so called 'rainbow'.   No one told the truth, and now that I know, it's too damm late,  I'm so sorry Chris, you deserved better than that.  And I'm sorry I feel such rage and hatred towards those who took your life.  I get told, 'you are not alone'   ' give it to God'  ,,,,,,,yah I get it.OK???? I gave IT to God years ago,,,and here's where I am,,,without my son.  And the murderers walk free.  How is this a just world???? My only option now is to gather all facts, and file a civil case ,,and I don't know if I have the strength.   If those who were there would have come forward, the killers would be in jail, I would not be reliving it all over again. 

Now, I have to put on my ' normal person' face, and go grocery shopping, so this family can 'feed' .   I could care less about eating, but I eat,,,,minimal, my body digests barely anything.  And I cram supplements down my throat  every morning.  for what????

   my apologies to anyone who reads this,,,,had to vent somewhere, hub is ready to have me committed.   told him to go ahead.