It's been 5 weeks.

I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I just found this site and have been reading some of your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he probably had about 18 months to live. That was almost 5 years ago. I feel so blessed that we had so much more time than predicted. He was so positive and carried on his life as if nothing was wrong. I think during those 5 years I was mentally preparing for the time when I would be alone. The last 6 weeks when he was bedridden I was able to care for him at home with the help of Hospice. It's so hard to see the one you love in pain and it was very difficult to see him slowly waste away the last few weeks. At that point I was praying for him to go because I couldn't stand to see him suffer. However since his passing I have been okay. I love him and miss him but I don't feel devastated and I feel GUILTY that I'm able to carrry on so well. I have been very busy and I'm sure that helps ........but still...... it kind of makes me wonder if I'm a "cold hearted person" because I'm not feeling "broken and lost" like many others do when their spouse passes away.

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Comment by Jazzi Yarbrough on June 10, 2012 at 3:48am: Hi Keltie: Everyone grieves differently. Don't you realize that you have been silently grieving for the past five years. You were mentally prepared. You are not a cold hearted person. You loved him, you did all you could for him. You have no regrets about the care you had given him and you treated him well until he departed. It just means that you are at peace with what you have done for your husband. Everyone grieves differently, and it's not so hard on you when you know what to expect. I just lost my Dad this year and I never thought that I could live without him. He was a wonderful parent and I've been around him all my life. I carried on very well, but still have my moments of missing him. I think what I am trying to say is what is in your head "your thoughts of how you should be" and "what is actually happening" is very different. You should have no guilty feelings, because your husband would not want you to feel that way. Get it out of your head "how you think you should be feeling" and accept "what is". Believe me if you had lost him all of a sudden your reactions would be very different. Once again you have had five years to prepare and you knew it was coming.

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Comment by Keltie Kimball on June 7, 2012 at 1:23pm: Also Janice my thoughts and prayers are with you too. I know it's hard for all of us but I just can't imagine having your husband one day and then he's gone the next with no warning. My heart just breaks for you. Hugs.

Comment by Keltie Kimball on June 7, 2012 at 1:19pm: Thank you Janice. Now that made me cry. I really appreciate your comment. I have also wondered if I'm just numb and one day it's just going to hit me. I'm very thankful to have found this site.

Comment by janice shannon on June 7, 2012 at 1:09pm: Dear Keltie, I am so sorry for your loss, but I am very glad that you have found this website. You were given plenty of time to prepare for the day that you would have to walk alone. The fact that you are dealing with it should not make you feel guilty. Grief is tricky, more than likely you are just numb at this point. The fact that you were willing to let your husband go so that his suffering would end says that you are a warm and loving person. My husband of 32 years just passed away 5 weeks ago, he had been the healthy one and he got a blood clot in the artery to the bowel and went to the hospital and died the next day. He was 65 years old. His mother is still alive. You will have to grieve, don't worry about the form it takes in your life. There are allot of strong caring women here that will listen any time of the day or night. My prayers will be with you, Janice