just existing

Hi,

it has been almost 6 months since my Eddie died. He was 14 yrs old and i found him dead on my living room floor. I don't know what to think anymore. I have missed so many days at work and of course, i am on my final write up, I was told that I don't have any initiave anymore, you think, just getting here most days is an accomplishment. My days are filled with despair and I cry just about every day, some days are better than others, but no such thing as a good day. Oh did i mention that I found him dead, apparently he had a heart attack, he had a bad heart that was not diagnosed. He was an athlete. My life changed that day, nobody even cares, or don't want to care. I was told at my job why don;'t I just quit, because I am just here, I keep telling bury your child then get back with me. I guess the thing that hurts the most is that I didn't get a chance to say good bye, I woke up and he was gone he died during the night. I would have used his organs for others but he had been dead too long. I believe in GOD but why would he allow me to to thru the ultimate hurt that can happen to anyone. I guess you can say I am angry with GOD, but not truly understanding his will, how could this pain be in his will. Losing a child, you loose a part of you, nobody seems to understand that. that a part of me died, and of course the death took a toll on his father & i relationship, we don't speak anymore. i still have a 11 yr old to raise, and of course everybody is always saying your son needs you, but what about me, I need someone also. who is there for me,

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Comment by deborah a hollingsworth on February 22, 2013 at 1:04pm: Thank You Barbara,

I appreciate your understanding. No my husband & I have totaled separted. I guess he couldn't handle the stress. We were not getting along anyway and Eddie's death just ended it. I just came out of a mtg with my supervisor and was given a written notice on my performance, I have never been written up in my life. I know that I have lost my drive, but what can I do, I will no longer have internet access since I don't have a computer at home. someone broke into my house about 2 years and stole my laptop. So keep me in your thoughts. I hope that things will turn around for me

Comment by Barbara Rieger on February 19, 2013 at 5:30pm: Hi Deborah!

My name is Barbara and I'm here because I am a mother without my child. A drunk driver made a choice to drink and my precious son Joe was fatally injured; it happened April 5, 2010.

Deborah, I give you lots of credit for getting up and getting ready, then driving to work and spending the time there. It's not unusual if you cry almost everyday. I remember that I cried every day. It was horrible. A couple weeks after our farewell to Joe my husband went away for 3 weeks on what he considered as being important. I had told a couple of my friends and they thought it was rather inconsiderate of him to leave me during such a time. Nonetheless, it was good because I was able to really let lose during that time. I would cry as often as I had tears and scream as loud as I wanted. I didn't have to worry about my logical husband who sees things different than I do. I want you to know that it's very normal for you to cry and you have been doing what is normal. Who is it that is telling you to quit? Your boss or your co-workers? It could be that they realize that you need to grieve. It's very difficult and I understand that you may be feeling angry when they say what they have said to you. Plus they don't understand how you feel and what thoughts have gone through your head. Then to have a husband who is suffering makes it even more difficult on you and your feelings. You didn't say how long it has been that you and your husband aren't speaking. It appears to be a symptom of both of your grieving. Everyone deals with things differently. If it's been 6 months it will continue if it's been 6 days that will continue. Unless one of you speaks and cracks the ice. When your husband sneezes do you say God Bless You to him? Do you make a dinner and just ring the dinner bell or tell your husband dinner is on the table? Maybe one day you should do a sneeze be it real or fake and see if he responds with some kind words. That can be an ice breaker. If you and your husband aren't speaking that will lead to more frustration for both of you. The 2 questions I just asked you are what was the beginning of the ice cracking with me and my husband.

Believe me everyone on this site can identify and understand what you are saying about your feelings. My son Joe was my only child and exactly 3 months ago today I lost my mother. My father and only sibling left us in the 90's so I really have no immediate family. I often wish I had another child. It's normal for people to tell you that your 11 year old son needs you. My guess is that these people who say that your son needs you are offering you words of hope to help you. They have no idea the delicate state a mother is in when losing a child regardless if a mother has more children. Maybe they want you to know that you need to keep strong physically and mentally because an 11 year old has many years that he needs his mother. Indeed, you need someone. I've learned that someone in my life, the person I can always depend on is a person I've known forever: MYSELF.

However, Deborah you can come on the comment wall and express your feelings. People on this site are empathetic and will offer consolation during you low times or any time for that matter. We are all in the same boat. We all understand where you are coming from and where you are. We have all been there. Everyone may not read your post that is on the side of the board. But your name caught my eye. I worked with a couple of people with your last name many years ago. If I may I'd like to make a suggestion that you post your thoughts and feelings on the comment board.

I'll be thinking about you. Take good care of yourself.

Sending Love,

Barbarra