Learning curve...

I learnt a lot last week... My husband and I went on holiday for a week with good friends and their 2 year old daughter. She is the same age now that Matthew was when he died. It was a very difficult week for me.

I came to realise that I really, really need my own space, I need my dogs and their constant affection and I desperately need to be in control of my surroundings and my day. Add that all up and I become an unwelcome guest on what should have been a week full of fun. I found that I became extremely judgmental of my friends and how they relate to their daughter - who is a gorgeous little girl. I found fault with everything they did. And while I know that it is none of my business how they feed her, dress her, discipline her, play with her etc, etc, etc...I found myself underhandedly trying to "correct" them.

I found the little girl annoying. But she was just being a 2 year old. She is my God-daughter and I love her to bits. There are just too many conflicting emotions running through my system.

My defenses were shattered. I was unable to deal with any normal everyday stressors. I over-reacted to everything. And then, after avoiding looking at the tv for a long time, I looked up to see an image of a 2 year old child wrapped in bandages from head to toe - just like Matthew was when he died. That was my complete undoing. I went to bed and cried for hours.

They don't understand that navigating through a normal day is hard work for me. They don't know how much effort I need to put in in order to remain "normal". They made me feel angry because of their seemingly indifferent attitude towards their daughter. They seem to take her for-granted and sometimes seem to resent her presence. If they only knew how hard it is when that child is taken from you...

I know how hard it is to be a parent and I constantly have to remind myself that in ordinary everyday life a mother is allowed to be angry, upset, tired and to need time for herself. But now, as a bereaved mother, I would give anything to be back in the position where I craved time for me, but couldn't get it.. where I longed for a break from the relentless dependency that comes from a 2 year old.

There is no more normal. My normal is now just basic survival. I function - and I think I function well - but it takes enormous amounts of energy. I need to function as the new, broken me.

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Comment by Cheryl on March 8, 2011 at 8:44pm: I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you must deal with everyday. We suffer when a loved one dies because death is a loss to a void beyond all understanding.

Many, myself included have been comforted by what the Bible says about our dead loved ones. While Jesus was on the earth he raise the dead. One account is at Mark 5:35-42 and Luke 7:12-16. As you read those accounts, just imagine the joy of those who saw this resurrection.

Jehovah God actually yearns to bring the dead back to life. Jesus said according to John 5:28,29, "The hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear Jesus voice and come out." So you can see your son again, here on the earth under peaceful, righteous conditions. If your heart yearns to learn more, Jehovah's Witnesses will be happy to assist you in learning more from the Bible. www.watchtower.org

Comment by Lindsay on December 29, 2010 at 11:58am: Wendy - I find that all that you say is so very true! I have a 20 month old now and I have no patience for her, since I am grieving. I remember going to a water park this past summer and seeing a woman with an infant just slumped over her arm. This little baby was throwing up all over the place and what the hell was this mother thinking taking a newborn to a water park and being so indifferent to her needs. I just wanted to run over to her, pick up the baby and cradle her the way she should have been held and scolded the mother for her stupidity, but all I could do was run the other way. I was so angry that people could be such bad parents and they get to keep their kids. Granted, since Sophia passed away, my temper has been a little out of control and I cuss alot more now. My toddler said the F word the other day and I thought to myself... I really need to watch my language.

I understand both sides of your story. I am that impatient, frustrated parent and I am also the one that wants to correct other crappy parents. I don't know how to deal with my conflicting emotions. I would do anything to be where I was just months ago, sitting on the porch crying because my two little girls were driving me nuts!! ANYTHING!