Letter to Liz dated July 29th, 2012

Dear Liz,

I really wanted something that I could touch on me at all times that would help me feel connected to you. I thought of a charm. That's what helped me so much after my miscarriage.

I went on Etsy. Found a charm at a very reasonable price...from this very nice lady...and I ordered it. I just got it a few days ago. I guess I didn't pay any attention to the size...because it was smaller than I expected. But each day I seem to love it more. It's a perfect circle. It's petite and perfect...like you. Well...you weren't perfect...but you know what I mean. *smile*

I bought it with some of my birthday money.

And today or tomorrow I should have the copy of the picture that I'm going to use to have you in the locket that I got for my birthday. I can't wait.

I still want a tee shirt...and a blanket in memory of you. I did find one website for tee shirts that looks good. But unless I want to pay tons of money...I need to figure out how to make the blanket myself! I have no clue how to do that. If you could help with that...that would be so great. :)

I am beginning to look for comfort. I started a list yesterday of ways to find comfort. I got a few ideas from the document where I saved lots of grief quotes and articles and stuff from Facebook. I don't even want to get over losing you, or move on...but lots of comfort sounds wonderful. And any comfort is much appreciated.

Yes the biggest thing I need comfort for is losing you. But there are other things too. I'm going to be looking for comfort for them too.

One of the FB pages that I like posts YouTube videos every Wednesday evening. I believe they are songs that have been requested by members of the page. I have found so much good music from that. A good bit of it is grief related. I listen to it a lot...but please understand that I can't listen to them 24 hours a day. I have started to listen to all of the tracks that I've uploaded to my MP3 player...and not just your playlist. I am beginning to enjoy listening to music that's not grief related.

Anyway...at a funeral Mom and I went to...they played "I Can Only Imagine". Mom ended up wanting that song. This led to me giving her my old MP3 player...and practically filling it up with a lot of the music that I've found from the FB page. She seems to really appreciate it. It's kind of funny though. She likes so many more songs than I expected her to. Rock songs. Songs from artists that play my kind of music not hers!!! (They usually are the softer songs though.)

Anyway...please be with Mom if you can. I think she's having a tough time right now.

I can't grieve 24 hours a day...not over the long term anyway. I came close the first few months after you left...but now sometimes it feels good to focus on something else. It doesn't mean I don't love and miss you. It doesn't mean I've forgotten you either. You probably know that...I just need to say it okay?

Writing letters to you is great...but lately I've been so wanting to pick up the phone and call you. I've wanted to email you...chat with you online. See you...give you a great big hug. I REALLY miss those things. Writing you this way just isn't the same. I do believe you hear me. And if I really thought that this life was all there is...this would be ever so much harder. But it still sucks.

Did you have a great reunion with our cousin Jimmy? Mom told me this week that he died. She thought I knew he had melanoma. I hadn't. I know that I never knew him that well...and I assume you knew him less. But I think that's likely to change in heaven. I bet Aunt Alma is happy to see him. I feel bad for Uncle Butch, Suzy and Patty. Anyway...please tell Jimmy I said hello.

much love,

your big sister,

Cricket

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