Dear Liz,
I grieved pretty intensely for you for the first three months.

Then I felt like I had come up for air...and it was a little easier.
This went on until Memorial Day.  I don't know quite why...but that was a tough day for me.  And I seemed to lose what little progress I had gained.
So then I pretty intensely grieved for you once again.  Until I just had enough...and needed to focus on something else. 

Especially when it finally hit me...that no matter how I feel...or how intensely I feel it.  No matter what I do...or how I grieve...or how I carry you with will still be dead...and that is just NOT gonna change.

Yes I know that's obvious...and it's stupid not to completely get that before.  But you gotta mourners can only let in so much pain at one time.  If we didn' would just be too much to bear. 

And so I've let up a little on reading quite so much about death and grieving...and instead have read some more fiction lately.  Mysteries actually. 

Not that I've forgotten about you or anything!!  I could never do that.  But I believe that I no longer wish to grieve almost 24-7.  That was helpful for a while...but just not possible for the long run.  And that's a good thing...and not unexpected. 
I just wish that I was back at feeling just a little less sad...a little less depressed...and a little less down. 
Oh...and the day that I can finally "collapse" and rest some from the hectic school year...and Pam's the 10th again.  The very day that it will be 4 months since you died.  Somehow in all the rush I didn't realize that until just today. 
I just don't know what I'm going to do on that day.  :(
your big sister,

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