For years Ive thought about suicide as my way to end feeling and thinking like this. All those times I made my way past my obsticles. Sometimes there comes a point when somebody breaks, they just can’t deal with everything going in their head, in their life, or just how they feel because of certain situations or experience they have had. I truly believe that I am one of those individuals who commit’s suicide, and with my mental illness It makes sense. I have been suffering with feelings and thoughts about hurting myself since I was 13 I’m 27 now. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, adhd, anxiety, depression etc. I also have Scheuermann's disease this has been the most traumatizing of them all. I remember my parents always telling me to hold my shoulders back because I was always hunched over (because my spine is crooked). I tried soles for my shoes I don’t remember their purpose, I also saw a chiropractor when I was a child whenever my parents could afford it or if they thought it was helping. It only helped with the pain for a few days. The back pain isn’t even the worse part of living with this it’s the un-comfortableness of being around people and sometimes seeing them look at you with such disgust, or laugh because you look different. I have been called hunchback, Quasimodo, Giraffe, even Shrek by my own wife. I feel like my wife even looks at me with disgust and that is the hardest thing for me to deal with. Eventually all these feeling are going to lead to me killing myself I am tired of suffering and trying to deal everyday life situations. Im tired of all of it. Sometimes my mind creates things in my head and its almost like it makes them real so then I start to dwell on them more and more, now I don’t know if they are real or not because I always get gut instinct and I have been right about my feelings more than a few times. I cannot control it and I don’t want to feel it anymore. I have not been a good father to my children, who I love deeply but I feel I am just to damaged to be better I know how to be a good dad but my pain inside keeps me from being all that I can be. My wife avoids anytime I ask her how she really feels. We have been through a lot and I have been hurt by her a lot and I think its because the way I look. I feel like she sees other guys whos backs are nice and straight and I know how much better it looks then mine I don’t want to look like this. I feel just like Quasimodo in the hunchback of Notre dame but me and him both know that he really doesn’t live a happily ever after life….. I feel like a freak… one will ever love me.and it will never change. I have seen a neurosurgeon who wont operate because the curve is only 60-62 degrees. I wouldn’t care if the pain wouldn’t go away as long as I could stand tall and proud, and not feel like such a FREAK! I turned to drugs as a teen to block out what I felt and to this day I still use them and It hasn’t changed a da*N thing. I have always said if I could have my spine fixed that I would be so much happier, but how many more years of un-happiness will I continue to live through before Id be a good candidate for a spinal fusion. Scheuermann's disease has caused so many mental illnesses and Its never going to get better…. I stay at home all the I get anxious a lot and I never go to the movies or out to eat maybe once a year I don’t want to live like this and I want my wife to enjoy her life.. no one wants to sit home all the time I hate it but I cant change reality and how I feel when someone laughs or judges me and makes me feel like a worthless piece of sh**. My dad made me feel bad enough my whole life and even in high school dealing with being called names, it all adds up to a breaking point and I think I have reached mine. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel or think the things that I do because it really messes with you. I hope one day someone will understand why I felt like this!!! I have felt alone for too long I cannot and will not continue to feel this way. Im tired of suffering and no counseling will change how people react to me or judge me and I guess Im just not strong enough to keep on dealing with it. Sometimes I wish I could be put in a situation where something happens and I die from helping someone or just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Im just a waste of space

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Comment by Betty Farnsworth on March 8, 2013 at 10:45pm

You are not a waste of space. Why would your wife ever marry you if there was nothing good about you?Maybe she doesn't reply when you ask her what she really feels is because she loves you and realize no matter what she says you wont believe her and continue  to ask her-like you want her to reject you. Would you believe her if she said she loves you or would you think "she's just saying it"? I also have bi-polar 2  and anxiety and have had to be hospitalized at times. I grew up with my father telling me how stupid I was plus other abuse. I got married at 17, had six children with a man to continued verbally abuse me. I finally divorced. I didn't think I could handle live and tried to kill myself many times, but as you see I wasn't successful. I realized God wasn't going to let me die. I found someone who shared how God loved me even when I felt no one else did, and he forgave me for past behavior. Things got better until my daughter started trying to kill herself. She finally succeeded. I never realized how much a suicide hurts others. I only was thinking of my pain when I tried. But after she died I felt terrible that I had set an example for her when she was young that when in pain you kill yourself. I wish she never had known of my tries. Plus all the pain she caused me, her dad, brothers, friends that she worked with, her nieces and nephews, and her best friend. I will never cause that pain for anyone. I will not even try when I feel like it. Others pain is not worth it. 

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