Hi My name is Kelly, I'm 36.  I guess you could say this year has been a turbulent one.

In January we lost my Mother In Law to cancer, we knew her time with us was limited so my hubby and I spent last Christmas apart - with our families.  I have an 87 year old Nan so I insisted on spending Christmas with her and my parents in case it happened to be her last one with us too.

We got married in June but due to my dear Mum having mobility issues which had not improved my Step Dad gave me away whilst Mum looked on from her mobility scooter.

These issues just seemed to get worse and worse, her body going into spasm, the pain, the fluid retention on her body and legs - we couldn't get any answers from the medical profesisonals , the social services were slow at helping with Mum's home - so she ended up being pretty much trapped in her own home.

On 22nd November the spasms took an unexpected turn and crept up into her face - so her carer called it in and by the end of the day Mum was in hospital.  She was frightened but in the right place.  They medicated her and the spasms stopped, but they decided to keep her in to do various other tests and physio in an effort to get her moving again.  Their long term plan was for her to go into a respite bed with continued physio while the council sorted out her access etc to her home.

On my birthday (27th Nov) I got a lovely text from her saying happy birthday and that she loved me, I was due to go and see her that night.

To my horror I found out that later that day she had had a coughing fit and started to bring up blood.  2 litres she lost in those few hours, so for the first time since the day I was born she had to have a blood transfusion.  I couldn't understand it - she was in there because she couldn't walk!!!

I went to see her that night and we had a few laughs round her hospital bed, but she was still being sick so they administered anti sickness just before we went home.

The next morning we raced over to the hospital after Mum had taken a turn for the worse during the night.  They thought it was due to her liver not working, they had found the cause of the blood loss and clipped it and were conducting other tests.  She was pretty confused - or it seemed she was, but looking back now I think she was more in the 'know' than we were.

She had some pain in her abdomen in the evening so they X Rayed her, shortly after we left her to sleep.

Again the next morning we raced over to the hospital after she had taken another turn for the worse. We arrived thinking she was going to have an operation only to be told she had passed away while we were on our way over.

I can't begin to explain my feelings so this may seem very clinical right now, but thats me - need to deal with the facts!

The hospital couldn't confirm the cause of death, so it was passed to the coroner, She couldn't either, so dear Mum had to have a post mortem.  This established she had liver cirhhosis due to fatty liver disease which caused the bleeds and hyper tension which was what killed her.

Despite all the tests, scans and weekly visits to the doctor no one had picked up that Mum had a bad liver, and now having looked into it I see most of her symptoms over the last 2 years all pointed towards her liver.

Now we wait for the Dr's to get the full report so that we can find out EXACTLY who missed this and how and make sure no one else ever goes through this in the future.

Me? I keep telling myself Mum is on holiday, there's no phones there so I can't speak to her, I don't know if this is a damaging way to look at it, because deep down I know she is gone - but on the surface it hurts less to think she's lapping up the sun somewhere sipping on a cold drink and reading a good book.

My Step Father has PTSD and is being taken into an army hospital for the festive period, so I will have my Nan for Christmas and my Mums dog, not quite what I had planned.

I just think I am wobbling along in my own little unpleasant world right now - and know others are too - so I hope by joining this forum we may find some solice and get through it together xx

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