Merry's your black eye,....

I hate anyone losing someone they love.  I can't read a newspaper article about a death without crying, can't watch a show with loss in it or I bust into tears, I get annoyed when people post on Facebook all those "cutsie" poems on losing someone.  Yes, that's anger in my tone, and I grieve for everyone now. 
Where does this horror ever end? 
For Christmas I only asked for a pair of "moccason?" house shoes, but instead got my eye  blacked, a busted lip, and several knots on my head.  Handfuls of hair pulled out.  I can't stop being depressed.  My husband, Robert's step-father and I got into "another" argument on Christmas Eve.  He ended up in my face, telling me all my kids hated me, and when he said, "Robert even hated you."  I lost it..I slapped him.  Wrong choice.  I lost the fight.  I don't slap people, I spent the last 21 yrs. attending church believing in love, kindness, yada, yada, yada....all I know now is:  God didn't stop my son from dying, he's let many bad things happen to my life, and now in all my grief my husband of 20 yrs. is a stranger to me.  Will any of life ever make sense again!???

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Comment by Lisa Dale on January 1, 2011 at 4:59am
When did you lose your son?  Will you tell me how he passed?  Let me tell you first and foremost, you are so deep into the grieving process that it sounds like you are drowning and it sounds like your husband is, too.  We all grieve in different ways; there's no right way or wrong way to do it.  I was very angry at God for taking my father from me.  That is a normal reaction.  We're mad at everyone, even the one that died for leaving us.  Please get on the web and look up the grieving process.  That will give you some idea of what is happening to you right now.  I could give you a list a mile long of things that are happening in my life right now that are bad, sad, wrong, etc...I was driving myself crazy with all of it.  I didn't want to get out of bed, suffered severe depression, had a heart attack (I'm only 47) and that's just the tip of the iceburg.  If you don't remember anything else I've just said, remember this...God cries for the living, not the dead.  We are the ones left behind to go on and suffer in this, what has become, an awful world because of people, mainly.  Please, please don't turn away from your faith in God.  Tell him how mad you are at him.  He'll understand that and it won't make him mad at you for doing it.  He will only have compassion and tenderness to offer.  You must also have friends that you attended church with, right?  Why not start calling on them and letting them help you through this?  My faith came back when my father became sick in August of '10.  He was diagnosed with a tumor the size of a football in his abdomen and bone cancer.  I took a leave from work, went to NC and stayed every night with him, bathing him, caring for him and truly getting to know him.  I was with him, in the hospital, for about 2 months.  He went home on hospice and died 6 days later.  It was a horrible time and I cried from my soul.  I'm still crying from my soul and I'm still having horrible times.  People around me don't understand because they didn't go through what I just did.  And, I wonder sometimes if things will ever be normal again.  They won't.  Things change when you lose someone you love and things are never the same again.  I'm not able to work through that yet because I'm still in the grieving process.  If you need help with the depression, get it.  I'm on medication and it has put me back on my feet enough where I can think clearly most of the time now.  It doesn't mean you have to stay on it forever.  Your husband is hurting as badly as you.  Men don't show it the same way.  I'm sure you know that.  You also know that your children don't hate you and your son that passed didn't.  Kids are kids and they just act that way sometimes.  I've raised 3 and you just wouldn't believe what they are putting me through right now...all 3 of them.  Talk to your friends, talk to your husband about your pain and his pain.  Put your arms around him and cry with him and the children.  Don't leave them out, they are hurting, too.  I'm here, too, even though you don't know me from Adam, and you are really mad at God right now, he drew me to read what you had written and to answer you.  I hope what I have written helps you.  I miss my Daddy so very much.  I would give ANYTHING to just sit on his lap or hold his hand one more time.    Lisa
Comment by Cathy Pearly on December 27, 2010 at 11:42am
Laura...Wow.  I am so sorry for the grief you had this Christmas.  I think your husband is probably grieving and doesn't know how to comfort you when he can barely comfort himself.  It is said that men and women grieve entirely differently from each other.  Men have the need to fix things, and they just can't fix this.  Have you tried talking to him about what he is feeling?  Does he talk to you?  I don't see any posts about your son...what happened to him?  How old was he?  Have you posted this and I have just not seen it somewhere?Your husbands step father sounds like a spiteful man....I wish I could slap him myself.  Don't listen to garbage like is unproductive and meant to hurt and nothing more. 

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