Today, my heart aches because I can't see my older son, Mike, on this Mother's Day. It feels empty to me. My dear son, Matt, sent me flowers and called, but there is an empty place in my heart for his brother. Mike died June 2008 - I cannot believe that it has been almost three years next month. His birthday is tomorrow and he would have been 31 years old. I cried hard last night for him and asked why he had to go away, why, why, why. And when I think of him laid out in his casket, I keep telling myself that it cannot be true. But, sadly, it is. I haven't really given myself permission to get angry about his death and all the events prior to his death. I remember a colleague saying something about suicide and I recoiled at that! But over time, I have come to realize that he did commit suicide, but over a long period of time. I am sure to this day that his death was accidental, but it was bound to happen sooner or later. I remember when I got the call - I always knew that there would be a call. I was out of town, thankfully, as I am not sure how rational I would have been had I been home. I imagine myself rushing up to where he died, seeing him, reeling in the pain of his death. I ask for signs from him that he is with me, but I do not perceive them, except for a huge dragonfly that showed up on the first anniversary of his death. The dragonfly was resting on a bush as I, with friends, was climbing down from a hike - Mike so loved the outdoors. The dragonfly sat and sat as if to say, "Mom, I am with you". The dragonfly has takenon new meaning to me and I have found out the according to the Japanese, a dragonfly reflects courage, strength and happiness. I can see that and am forever grateful for that sign to me. It tells me what Mike would want for me! And I am going to do my best to show that I am strong, courageous and happy!!! Mike, I love you so much. I miss you, I think of you every day and know that you have found the peace you weren't able to find in this earthly world. Love you so much, Mom

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