December 27th,2008 will be a day that I will never forget, and all I want to do is forget it. I replay that day in my head over and over, and there was nothing more I could have done. That was the day my husband made the choice to take himself out of this world, and out of my and my three boys life.
My cousin was(and did) get married that day, and I had running around to do in the morning. Billy was upset when I got home, because I was gone longer then he wanted me to be. He wanted to go and get new dress pants and shoes for the wedding, and threw a fit when I got home. At that point in our lives I wasn't arguing back with him. He didn't like that very much, because his goal was to get me going, but that day was not about him, and I was not going to get upset. I tried to appease him and told him that we could still go to the store because the wedding wasn't until 5. That wasn't good enough. He didn't want to deal with his plans being interrupted. He sat next to me on the couch, yelling at me and I noticed that he had already started drinking. I told him as calmly as I could that if he could not calm down and change his attitude that he could stay home, and not ruin my cousins big day. He yelled at me and stormed out of the house. This was not uncommon for him because when he was upset he would either go in the RV and sleep off the madness or he would chop wood.
My brother and dad were at the house for the holidays, and dad had some errands to runs so he wasn't home when we were arguing. When dad came home I asked him if he had seen BiIlly outside. He said no. I went to look for him because I needed to know what his decision was. He wasn't splitting wood, and he wasn't in the RV either. I went back in and asked dad if he had seen Billy walking down the road, and dad said no.
I went back out the back door and went back outside calling for him. Then it hit me. The garage door was closed. We never closed that door, I opened the door and found him. I was out of my mind! I yelled for my dad, and told my brother that what ever he did, do not let my boys out of my room. I did not want them to see their dad like that.
I honestly do not know where the strength came from that day. My dad and brother got my husband down, and I did CPR until the fire company got there.
Today is September 17th, 2010, and I miss him every day. I go to bed missing him, and I wake up missing him. I have fallen on my knees asking God why? And yet there are no answers.
Have you ever met someone, and when you meet them you know they are the one. That they were made for you and that there was no one else? Well Billy was that one.
So today, I go on. I still take the boys to football practice, and I still take the boys camping. I still do with the boys like my husband did. I keep the traditions he started with my older one, and do them with the younger boys.
But what he failed to understand before he made his final decision is that life is not easier without him. Life hurts more without him. Life is more lonely without him.
I know that I will never get over him. But I also know that as the days go by, and most of them fly it gets a little easier. And I haven ever been more thankful for my boys then I am today. But in the same return their dad isn't here to hear about how Tyler got asked by the varsity head coach to play in the high school varsity game this Saturday. How Zack got three touchdowns and 121 yards in his first Little League varsity game this year. How Jake saved enough money and pop cans to buy his first youth 410. He is missing out on the bragging rights he would have had. And I am missing that person to share it with.
Do I talk to him, sure. But that does not mean that I am getting any answers, or that silly smile when he is talking about his boys.