Mr Marshmellow Man

It's been three months and still.... My life doesn't make sense, when men talk to me I get nauseas in the stomach, my mind races, I constantly stay busy. I know if you are looking down on me right now, your probablly saying "calm down beavis". Everytime I close my eyes, I see you laying in that casket. I can't delete your text messages, can't even listen to my voice mails. I can't celebrate occassions with my friends, and get jealous when they talk about their significant others. I wish on every falling star, and pray for a miricle that I know will never happen. My selfishness is getting the best of me, and I don't know how I am supposed to enjoy life again. I send you emails occassionally hoping you'll reply, and look at your profiles often just to see your face. I know I have to let go, and move on, but it hurts to even think about letting you go. My life is crashing down around me, and it seems like I don't care. Every song on the radio reminds me of you, and I can't even bring myself to listen to that special one. I feel detatched, like i'm living a terrible nightmare, and none of this is real. I am angry, sad, lost, confussed, distracted, lonely, guilty, insecure, numb it's like I have died with you. I miss my smile, my laughs... I get up in the morning, get dressed, drive to work, sit at my desk, go home, and stay busy until I lay down again. People keep telling me I need to talk to someone, and get it out but I fear if I do that then I will be letting you go... Closure is so final. I fear the day I forget your crocked smile, the color of your eyes, the way you smelled, the sound of your voice. I miss laying in bed watching tv with you, cuddling up so tight you couldn't even fit a piece of paper between us. Am I being silly, babe? Am I doing this to myself? Why does it seem like it is getting worse?

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Comment by Ladona Melton on December 15, 2010 at 2:48pm: Thank you both for your support... I haven't been on for a while, it seemed to get me down when I did. I am truely sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you both, and I want you to know how much it means to me that you are both here for me. I will get through this, and it will take time. I have been trying to find local grief groups, but haven't had much luck. I did find one, but it only meets once every other month, and I had already missed the meeting. I am sorry I made you cry Teresa, and my heart goes out to you. I am teribly sorry for your loss, and I will keep you in my prayers. Sharon, thank you for making me normal again. I was really starting to fear that I was taking this to an extreme. I wish you the best in the holiday season, and will also keep you in my prayers as well. I wish you both the very best, and thank you again for the support!!

Comment by Teresa Sanchez Gardner on November 29, 2010 at 9:02pm: Hi Ladona, when I read your post I started crying. You are having the same feelings I am right now. The anger, the sadness...the guilt for not wanting to hear about everybody and their families. My family is gone. My husband was my whole world. I lost my dad in Sept of this year. My husband was there for me...he held me and told me everything would be ok. Then not even a month later...he died in a trucking accident. My world was shattered! I finally had to go see a therapist because I just knew I couldn't do it myself. It seems like its getting worse...especially because of the holidays. Thank God for this site! Thank you for sharing your feelings...

Comment by Teresa Sanchez Gardner on November 29, 2010 at 9:02pm: Hi Ladona, when I read your post I started crying. You are having the same feelings I am right now. The anger, the sadness...the guilt for not wanting to hear about everybody and their families. My family is gone. My husband was my whole world. I lost my dad in Sept of this year. My husband was there for me...he held me and told me everything would be ok. Then not even a month later...he died in a trucking accident. My world was shattered! I finally had to go see a therapist because I just knew I couldn't do it myself. It seems like its getting worse...especially because of the holidays. Thank God for this site! Thank you for sharing your feelings...

Comment by sharon cox on November 20, 2010 at 6:43am: Hey Ladona, I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but it's normal. You will get better and getting better doesn't mean you will forget him. You will never forget the love you shared. Closure is coming to terms with what has happened, but it doesn't mean you will forget him. I remember when my husband first died, I couldn't even look in the mirror. It was like, half of me was gone and I didn't recognize myself anymore. It sounds strange, but it's how I felt at the time. I will never forget my husband or his smile, his smell or his hands. I miss him so much that it hurts me. When you get those visions of him, you need to distract yourself. Do something else or smack your hand on the table or something.(Don't hurt yourself though!) I had to do this myself, I couldn't stop replaying the scene of my husband's accident over and over. I still have visions from the hospital and funeral, but I had to fight them off or it will drive me up the wall. I hope you are going to a support group, it really helped me. I just finished "grief share" and it was a good experience. It will help you to be around others who are going through the same things. It's good that you are journaling to him like this. I journal to my husband, especially when I'm having a rough day or night. I also tell him about our good days as well. It is only natural, he was the one I shared this with everyday. You will never forget him, so don't worry. Hugs to you. Remember to be gentle with yourself, it's only been 3 months and everything you are experiencing, is something you have to get through, not over. Don't let anyone rush you through it either, it will take as long as it takes. My heart goes out to you, everything you've said, I've experienced myself.