My Biggest Loss

My Sister Holly commited suicide Aug. 27th of 2011. Nothing could have prepared me for her death. Now,there is no clarity,and everything,including my thoughts are broken up. Holly was 38,and the Mother of 3 children. She was incredibly Beautiful,personable,funny,kind,and so many other good things,she could never see.Holly and I came from a broken home,and were forever damaged from that and many other things.I don't know that I can go on.All I see in my mind,is my only sibling,shot in the chest,laying on the floor,in disbeleif dying.As if that were not enough, my Mother lost her mind and threw me out of the house she had bought for me. I have battled depression my entire life,and I am almost certain that I will be next.Day in and day out, all I think of is my Sister.I loved her so much.It was the straw that broke the camel's back,and I'm afraid I cannot take anymore.Until you lose a loved one to suicide,there is no way to convey that loss to anyone.The pain is unimaginable.It has been 5 mos.,and I think it is getting worse.I am so angry with God.I keep reminding myself that there is so much sorrow and bad in the World and I don't have a monopoly on it.I feel so clumsy with trying to express myself.Anyways,God bless all of you,and maybe in time I will get better at this.

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Comment by Amanda T Ford on January 16, 2012 at 10:56am: Good Morning Sean, 1 of the ways i am coping is because i do go to therapy every friday with my 2kids, I lost my mom due to cancer the same year 6months earlier 03/29/2011 she was my best friend besides my husband now they are both gone. My father couldnt cope with losing her so he now lives with me. There are some really hard days because i have everybody depending on me being strong, it isnt easy but the kids are my main reason they need me to raise them and hopefully teach them that they dont have to feel that way or take the road if they are faced with it one day. Im lucky because i do work in the medical fied and i have had my job for 8yrs they have been a huge support thru all this. Im trully sorry about your mom not understanding and that she isnt there for you becuase you are still choosing to live...You are needed in this world for one reason or another... I also still have a hard time some days getting out of my bed it just doesnt seem right, but i try to stay positive when i can, i cry when i want yell when i want and i talk to people to help sometimes even starngers at a store or restaurants or anywhere i may be. I have found that im really not alone in this world like i feel. People just dont talk about it. Try to keep your head up and keep going i know its hard. i dont take anything for my anxiety but some days i wish i did. Stay Strong Amanda

Comment by Sean Owens on January 13, 2012 at 7:36pm: Thank you for responding to my post Amanda. I am very sorry for the loss of your Husband.We have been going through this for about the same time.How are you doing? How do you cope? This is hell on Earth,and I've seen quite a bit of stuff.The worst part aside from Holly killing herself,is the fact that I have no support whatsoever.Sometimes, I want to leave the house and just talk to anyone.As I had mentioned,my Mother bought me a house in Pa. to move back and try to help my Sister. When she died,my Mother went nuts,and threw me out of the house.I was virtually homeless.I had a very strong faith in God,but now I just don't know.I went to the doctor,because as you probably know yourself,the anxiety is unbearable. Unfortanetly,she decided that valium or anything like it was out of the question. I don't know what to do. I have to work,but I just can't get out of bed.

Comment by Amanda T Ford on January 13, 2012 at 11:27am: Good Morning Sean, I to also lost my husband to sucide on 08/24/2011, you are correct about all the feelings and people dont trully understand until they walk a day in your shoes. I am trully sorry for your lost. Try to stay positive even on those darkest days where it just doesnt seem possiable. Stay strong God bless you if you need to talk I do understand.... amanda

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