In 91', When I was 7, my 11 year old brother strangled himself to death with a jump rope off our bunk bed. I was the first to find him. It was the weekend and I was playing video games. My brother and my mom had a fight and he got sent to the bedroom for a time out. During the next 10 or 15 minutes, I really felt like I could have intervened. We didn't know he was going to do this. At the time something was saying strongly inside me that something was wrong, and I had asked my mother to go see Patrick, not just to talk to him or something, but just because he needed me. By the time mom had turned me back and I finally snuck to the bedroom it was too late. Patrick was pale and had vomited. Dad performed CPR while I called the paramedics, and he was pronounced dead at the hospital. At 7, I was just old enough to know what I didn't know. I was a smart kid and still am. I have trouble coming to grips with his passing and have struggled with suicidal thoughts, although not recently. I also struggle with not having been able to find him more quickly. People tell me that there's no way I could have known that something was wrong. I know the truth in me that I had a chance to intervene, but that doesn't even help. After that grade school was never the same, I was very shy, and I seemed to struggle more in school every year. I have managed to get a BS from MSU, but even then I haven't let myself become attached to any sort of long term plan.

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