About 4 1/2 years ago my Daddy had to have a lung transplant, he finally got the call and received his new lung. He was very strong and got back on his feet pretty quick, the doctors said he did it in less time than others usually do. He eventually became able to actually go back to teaching, he was a Taekwondo instructor. He was able to do his normal routines. He would exercise daily and lift weights again as well as teach his students forms. Then about a year ago he contracted an infection in his lung (the one that was originally his) and his lung began to fill up with fluid. So now his old lung was beginning to fail. To top it off he began to reject his donor lung as well. He began to go down hill from there. He bacame basically bed ridden although he would get up and walk around and sit on the couch as long as he had his oxygen. He was losing weight and just looking sickly. Then a week ago he was rushed to the hospital he was unresponsive, foaming at the mouth and had actually died at the hospital but against his wishes they resusitated him and put him on a ventilator. He remained in the hospital on the vent until he could let everyone know he wanted it out, he had given up and already accepted he was dying. He just wanted to be able to tell all his loved ones that he loved them. On Firday the 18th I was called to the hospital where he was and my sister and I sat with him so my brother could go home to change his baby because she had gotten wet. But before he could get back my sister and I watched our Daddy take his last breaths, but it really did not dawn on me that it was his last breaths, I mean I knew it but I didn't (hope that makes sense) about 5 minutes went by and my husband asked me if we wanted him to get the nurse and I shook my head yes( for I was chocked up with tears) the nurse came in and checked him, we heard him say I can't find anything, my sister said frantically "what?" And the nurse explains again and says "I'm sorry but he is gone". We both screamed NO and were histerical. That was such a hard thing to go through. I mean it is hard to lose a parent, but when you watch them take their last breath I believe it makes it even harder. I feel so bad because I feel as though I am nothing since I didn't realise he was gone earlier. Now when I close my eyes all I can see is my sweet Daddy take his last breath again and it makes it hard to sleep. I miss hm so much and just don't want to believe it is even real. How do people get through losing a parent? I see things that he loved and it just makes the hurt come back all over again, if I am alone I think about him all day. What am I supposed to do to get back to normal? I don't think I will ever be normal again not without my Daddy, he was the one I went to for advice and now I can't. I try to talk about him and share stories to help me cope and it does help at the time but not later. He fought so hard to live and then in the end just gave up I know he was tired and I don't want to be selfish but I wish he could have fought more. I just hope he knows how much I love him and how I will NEVER forget him. I love you Daddy !!!!!

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Comment by Gina Mason on November 27, 2011 at 3:40pm

**I'm sorry I must correct a typo in my message below! The sentence should read:

"But I am sure HE was glad I was there" Sorry about that.



Comment by Gina Mason on November 27, 2011 at 3:38pm

Shawna~  I am living proof that it DOES ease with time. You will always miss him, that will never go away. But you wouldn't want that anyway! There will come a day that you won't feel the need to lock yourself away and weep the days away, I promise. Allow yourself the right to mourn your daddy as long as you need to, in any way you need to as long as it isn't hurting someone else or yourself.  Then pull yourself up and move forward one step at a time.  It's what he would have wanted don't you think? 

I too was there when my daddy took his last breath. I'm still not sure if I'm glad I was there or not and it was in Feb. of 2005.  But I am sure that HE was glad I was glad I was there.  The very last thing he said to me was, "Baby, please don't leave me here alone."  And I didn't.  Neither did you.

Take care of yourself Shawna. You are not alone.


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