I read last night that you have to learn to say Goodbye. It sadden me deeply, caused insane panic. I don't want to say goodbye. She was my life. I see her everywhere, I keep waiting to feel her spirit. I want to hold her in my arms. I think of the loss, no grandchildren. Evertything we did, it was done with the belief that she would be here, after we were gone.

On mother's day she was feeling not well. She was trying to make my breakfast; she made the best pancakes and her own brand of syrup with fresh fruits. She said to me that she would celebrate mother's day the following week. I told her everyday was mother's day. She, talked me through the breakfast she wanted to prepare. She had bought me this beautiful red dress, she never wrapped it.

I don't know why I didn't realize how ill she was. A simple UTI infection, that should have been cured with a simple antibiotic. Five days later she was dead. Sepsis and Septic Shock Symptons. Over a million people died all over the world, each year. 200,000 in the United States.. Mostly, while confined to a hospital, most in ICU. It happened so quickly. The things we don't know.

I am devoting my life to investigating the secrecy for such a terrible travesty of medical trust.

It is hard not being able to think rationally through grief. My energy level varies, my interest in the things I loved, are gone.

I fpray to find my strenght and understanding of life and death. I thank God for my blessing, a wonderful husband. I understand how emotional draining it is on our friends and family. We appreciate their suppport. We were lost and they strengthen us.

Life goes on for them. I am looking and praying for a way out of the saddness and pain; It has been 5 months.. I still hope that I will wake from a nightmare. I pray for other families that are going through this. Before our loss, we sent a card, flowers, and thought we had shown our support.

Never again, I know the pain and it makes a different in the prayers for us and them.

How do you live through this. We know that this time will come for each of us. Why is grief so devestating, what are we missing in God's words that we don't celebrate our love one moving from this earth to another level?

I don't want to grieve. I want to celebrate the wonderful thirty years we were blessed with. I want to celebrate her love for us and her love for life..

I don't want to take the pill, but I can't get through the pain, it overwhelms me. Even though I feel stronger today, than the day before. When the pain returns it returns.

I'm trying so hard to understand.

I pray for Natalie's mother and family. I pray that there may be hope for a different outcome. I know that she does. I pray for peace for her family. I believe in miracles.

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Comment by daphne holtz on March 21, 2011 at 4:58pm

Dearest Loved Ones;

I lost my blessing aug 4th 2009, And I know that it is the worse pain anyone could have in this life.I can't say that I am handling it any better than any of you,But I know that God has a purpose for the pain that we have And No! it is not easy and there are no words or magic pill that will take away that pain.That pain that comes in like a flood, that pain that causes us to lose all hope, because our children are not suppose to proceed us!I have been told that this will not last always,I have been told that he (Jared) is in a better place!My answer to that has been what better place than here with me?But as I go along in this pain there are times when God show forth His goodiness, that does not make the pain less, but what it does for me is to put my focus on the blessings of God and I agree we were blessed to have our children for the time that we had them, but they belonged to God first! And He gave us the awesome privilage of having these blessings in our lives.Does it make it easier no not at all don't be fooled or deceived by what some say Just know that God is for us and not against us!I can say that today, and only God knows what I will feel tomorrow and this is a fact of what we all share, some days are better than others, and it is very hard to embrace the pain, but embrace it we must as we journey in our own time and only the way that we can.Not the way a book says to embrace it or that we follow some type of formula. In short what I am saying is that "God does love us" and I cling to that and embrace the love that He has for us,only knowing in part what His plan is for our lives.I suppose that there will continue to be mothers and fathers that lose their children and that we will be the ones in the trenches that will be able to speak truth into their lives,because we would have come through this by faith.May God Our Father hold your hand and confort you, even when you feel that He is not there,because that will be the time when He wants to carry us. I love you and I will continue to pray for us because I too know the sting of this pain, the unadultrated darkiness, a darkiness that only one who has lost a child can feel.Be who you are do what you need to do for yourself.Decide what you need in this time. And never let anyone tell you how to grieve, or to move on, trust God and allow Him to make you strong!Love Daphne Jared's Mom Forever

Comment by daphne holtz on March 21, 2011 at 4:58pm

Dearest Loved Ones;

I lost my blessing aug 4th 2009, And I know that it is the worse pain anyone could have in this life.I can't say that I am handling it any better than any of you,But I know that God has a purpose for the pain that we have And No! it is not easy and there are no words or magic pill that will take away that pain.That pain that comes in like a flood, that pain that causes us to lose all hope, because our children are not suppose to proceed us!I have been told that this will not last always,I have been told that he (Jared) is in a better place!My answer to that has been what better place than here with me?But as I go along in this pain there are times when God show forth His goodiness, that does not make the pain less, but what it does for me is to put my focus on the blessings of God and I agree we were blessed to have our children for the time that we had them, but they belonged to God first! And He gave us the awesome privilage of having these blessings in our lives.Does it make it easier no not at all don't be fooled or deceived by what some say Just know that God is for us and not against us!I can say that today, and only God knows what I will feel tomorrow and this is a fact of what we all share, some days are better than others, and it is very hard to embrace the pain, but embrace it we must as we journey in our own time and only the way that we can.Not the way a book says to embrace it or that we follow some type of formula. In short what I am saying is that "God does love us" and I cling to that and embrace the love that He has for us,only knowing in part what His plan is for our lives.I suppose that there will continue to be mothers and fathers that lose their children and that we will be the ones in the trenches that will be able to speak truth into their lives,because we would have come through this by faith.May God Our Father hold your hand and confort you, even when you feel that He is not there,because that will be the time when He wants to carry us. I love you and I will continue to pray for us because I too know the sting of this pain, the unadultrated darkiness, a darkiness that only one who has lost a child can feel.Be who you are do what you need to do for yourself.Decide what you need in this time. And never let anyone tell you how to grieve, or to move on, trust God and allow Him to make you strong!Love Daphne Jared's Mom Forever

Comment by FELECIA WINN on January 10, 2011 at 8:51pm
HI JOANN IM SO SORRY I LOST MY 28 YR OLD SON ON 9/12/2010 AND THE PAIN IS UNBEARALBE THIS IS A SITE THAT I WISH NONE OF US HAVE TO BE ON I UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE PAIN EVERYDAY I THINK IM GETTING BETTER BUT THEN I START THINKING ABOUT MY SON AND HERE COMES THE TEARS SOME TIMES I WONDER IF IM IN DEPRESSION OR AM I STILL GREIVING SINCE THE DEATH OF MY SON NONTHING IS THE SAME FOR ME
Comment by FELECIA WINN on January 10, 2011 at 8:51pm
HI JOANN IM SO SORRY I LOST MY 28 YR OLD SON ON 9/12/2010 AND THE PAIN IS UNBEARALBE THIS IS A SITE THAT I WISH NONE OF US HAVE TO BE ON I UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE PAIN EVERYDAY I THINK IM GETTING BETTER BUT THEN I START THINKING ABOUT MY SON AND HERE COMES THE TEARS SOME TIMES I WONDER IF IM IN DEPRESSION OR AM I STILL GREIVING SINCE THE DEATH OF MY SON NONTHING IS THE SAME FOR ME
Comment by myra delgado on January 8, 2011 at 3:02pm
she is beautiful...
Comment by myra delgado on January 8, 2011 at 3:01pm
OH HOW I FEEL YOUR DEEP PAIN...HELLO MY SON WAS 17 YRS OLD WHEN HE PASSED AND MY LIFE IS EMPTY, SO I KNOW YOUR PAIN MY BABY LEFT ME WITH A GRANDBABY THAT HE NEVER GOT TO KISS OR HOLD SHE WAS BORN 3 WEEKS AFTER HIS DEATH...OH MY THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE IS BEEN 2YRS AND IT FEELS LIKE IT JUST HAPPEND. i feel your pain in the deepest way . i love my son like he never left. this process is un-natural. I also take medications to deal with the pain and the ignorace of friends and family. am so sorry that your little girl is gone. i wish you peace because is not easy.

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