I had to come on today as since the new year, I have turned around and am heading back down to how I was when my husband died in 2010.   New Years day was always special for us.   We entertained my family (sister, 2 nieces and husbands) and any stray friends who had nowewhere else to go.   My husband loved playing mine host and was always the life and sould of the party and just loved this day.   Since my family have abandoned me  since he died (of no further use to them) there would be no point in cooking a four course meal and eating it staring at the empty chair opposite me (couldn't face cooking it anyway).    I dont' know why but since then I have steadily gone downhill again and feel I cannot face 2013 without my soul mate.   We didn't do anything exciting in retirement, 2 exercise classes, a ballroom dancing class and any new coffee shop quickly saw us visit, but we so loved one another that we really didn't need anyone and anything else to be happy which leaves me here and now with nothing.   This week I have spent most of it in bed (mind you there have been snow flurries all week) because I just cannot face this world without him.   I loved him more than life itself (and he did me) and the thought of yet another year to face without him is more than I can bear.   The churning pain in my stomach never lets up for a minute unless I am asleep.   I just wish I had the courage to end it all but am so afraid of not being allowed to go to my husband if  do (so say all my religious friends and I have to say so does the psychic I see).   I have read on some of these blogs that widows 10 years in still feel like this and that scares me so much.   God help me to come to terms with this and gain a measure of peace.   My psychic says my husband awaits me and will see me soon (but is it soon in his time where I gather there is not time as we know it  and the nearly 3 years since he died here is but 3 days to him) or soon in my time (which could mean another 10+ years).   I just cannot face that feeling like this.   Please one of you widows out there who have felt like this come on and tell me that one day soon I will open my eyes to a new day without the feeling it is pointless and that I am redundant.

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