Okay, I made it though Steve's 70th birthday last Saturday (Nov. 13), even made dinner for my step-daughter and her partner. We all watched Steve's favorite opera (Marriage of Figaro). Then my mood took a steep dive the next day and stayed there for three days. Going to the banks to set up the estate accounts for Steve's business
accounts (on which I wasn't a signer) and closing our joint account didn't help. Well, it's done.

I think the suddenness of Steve's death is really hitting me; not that it didn't hit me before, but I'm more aware of grappling with the trauma of losing him in the blink of an eye. So, I started to reread Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking," and I ordered another book on sudden death that is on its way. Maybe that will help.

Today I feel a bit better. Got the storm windows up with the help of a neighbor. And I cooked myself a real dinner - not a pasta and store-bought sauce thing - the first time I've really cooked for just myself (chicken and olives - something Steve used to make). It felt good to treat myself well, but I did wish Steve had been at the table with me, sharing the meal.

My six-week grief support group concluded this week, but I've "re-upped" for the 4-week holiday group, which starts the week after Thanksgiving. I have made plans for the holidays but know no matter what I do, I'll feel lousy, so I thought the group might be a good idea.