time is a paradox.
A couple other things I've learned, Robert Frost lived in obscurity until his 40s, and Emily Dickinson lived an entire lifetime in obscurity--she didn't make it to 60.
Oh yea, not to alarm you, but the latest thing I've learnt is, that I am part of a statistical group who lead their particular demographic in completed suicides.
People speculate if Emily was a suicide. I don't think I adhere to the impression that she took any deliberate action towards her demise, from the tiny amount I've ever heard of her. People say, she still isn't in heaven. Not to take anything away from heaven, but if it's a place the likes of which Dickinson, least of all Ali are unworthy of spending eternity, I say something must be up with its ruler. I feel like we need to have some words: some major issues persist that should not be in the DNA of a 'perfect' being.
The mystery is magical. My conception of a deity reveled in the mystery. So many things exist in a magical sense, all having something to do with the attributes of a God.
I still consider myself 'God-fearing.' I know that because something devastating must have to occur in order for me to tell myself, "God doesn't exist." It's easy to believe that that's all it takes for any other person to be willing to proclaim there is only thin air there. The assurance I have of my stance is in believing that there really is no way of knowing either way, that God exists or doesn't.
It's my reasoning that asks, 'what if he does exist?'
Well, not really in the same sense of some Christians who 'save' themselves just because it's the better alternative than going to hell. Those people wish to be emulated, which is a perfectly defined aspect of our human nature, so I have no qualms towards those kinds of people about their motive. My problem arises once those people prove just how out of touch, they are with themselves when they can't even see their message to other's is instead, "don't do what I do."
So, I can't escape the very real likelihood that God is real, so much so, that my fear is too great to deny him.
Although, something has happened to my faith--perhaps it grew.
The dilemma that I have since created deals with my sense of how much I can consider myself the best person I can be for others. Some testimonies exist, not so much about a lack of faith, but of an opposing faith, or at least an opposing viewpoint about religion, some of which are just as amazing as the claims of the miraculous occurrences that should otherwise strengthen a faith in a deity.
These testimonies wouldn't be classified directly as such in the traditional sense, but if you asked one of these people who have gone on to educate themselves at the school of higher learning in all thing's theology related, their testimony would sound the same as many others who have come from the faith and 'walked out' on it. I say walked out and not 'away from,' because I consider myself having walked out on my faith, but never away, which I also hold true for anyone else unsettled at the moment about their own direction going forward.
Those otherwise academically minded with their degrees and titles, geared towards an accumulation of knowledge, no matter their motivations, whether it be to satisfy their own inquiring mind, or to be well regarded amongst one's peers, ally themselves with the greatest asset mankind utilizes to understand our world--history. The great wealth of information being discovered continually, has reshaped our conception of ourselves ever since epistemology was a thing.
The feebly minded are easily swayed; some things never change. It is humanity's ancient custom of sharing and learning knowledge by gathering to hear of one another's tales. I don't know if there ever was an honor system in place to keep one from going off the deep end with their account--the way the human imagination loves to, to ensure that the hand-me-downs were accurately and truthfully relayed. But essentially, that is the way understood information has been kept alive since the very first people. As people began to consider themselves more and more, that understood history was named knowledge. Essentially, most everything we can think to know comes to us in the form of the game where people stand in a line and whisper to each other on down the line and waiting to hear what the message morphed into by 100th person. I'd love to have been the quick-witted person to completely reword the message yet cleverly keep the meaning. What assurance could be counted on that there wouldn't be a scoundrel in the bunch to arbitrarily spit out any rambling of their choosing just to sabotage the outcome of the game to satisfy their brand of humor?
Well, I believe I've come to point in my life where the time has come for me to confront the next biggest crisis in my life at the moment. Maybe not really the next, but certainly the latest most pressing--concerning my faith. We cannot be smarter/superior to a being that is supposed to be our Creator and stepping away from a being supposing to be nothing but love, shouldn't make one consider themselves better off for it.
My journey over the last 15 years has been nothing I would have ever written for myself. I think that's why it would make quite a tale; I'm still in the middle of my odyssey and in some sense the adventure is just beginning--but really the adventure has always transformed itself at every stage.