Sorry I have not been back until now. After my last post I suffered a pretty sever breakdown. My wife Carol thought that she was going to have to bury me along with Leah. Leah's death that horrible day in April 2011 really ripped my sense of security to shreds. Then having all the holidays come up that Leah loved; Halloween, Christmas, New Years, that was almost to much to handle. Only because I am so much like Leah or she was so much like me.
Carol and I knew that mental illness ran on both sides of our families but until Leah's death we did not know to what extent. Mainly how deep and sever it is in my family line. How much of the same issues that Leah suffered from, I suffer from. Only that I was able to disengage my illness and continue. It took Leah's death to bring them to the surface. If only we had known the depth of illness in my family. (depression, drugs, anger issues, two separate attempted suicides and two successful ones. that we/I know of).
Well it has taken me this long to get to a point of caring again. I have to because I still have two great children and a fantastic wife that I have to be her for. It would be so cowardly and unfair to them for me to do something stupid. I'm not saying that things are perfect but they are 200% better then where I was in October 2011.
The sadness is still there. I think it will never go away. The anxiety comes and goes but is getting better. The PTSD for now is under control, I have not had the constant vision of Leah hanging, swirling around in my head, or the sound of Michael's scream, when he found her; ringing in my ears for a couple of months now. Don't get me wrong they still try to come back but they don't stay around and torture me now. It usually hits when my meds are out of wack or I'm really tired.
The guilt! Well, that is a different story. This is a cancer eating me away from the inside and no matter what I do it is there. It is always lingering under the surface and on many occasions it just crashes down. If not for that I think I would be back to my old self, almost.
Anyway, thanks to my therapist a new psychiatrist who was willing to listen and think out of the box. A diagnosis of Adult ADD and some new meds I have
been able to begin healing.. I only wish that Leah had had this kind of opportunity. Especially where her psychiatrist was concerned. We were in the process of finding her a new one but,,, we ran out of luck and time. She had a bad day, I had a bad day, Carol had a bad day and Michael and Elena had a bad day. The Perfect Storm, and we lost.
Well, hopefully starting again tomorrow, hopefully, I will start to finish my entry on when Leah first came into my life. If not tomorrow then definitely sometime this week.
Love you and miss you Leah, your dad