I am having such a rough time. I am finding myself crying constantly (though not at work, thank God). I believe that losing both my parents recently, and having some down time now to actually process things through has got me just feeling down in the dumps.....

My mom had COPD, and was struggling badly. Last year, she was constantly getting very ill, going into the hospital, was on oxygen. She was in very poor shape. I talked with her daily on the phone; she lived five hours away, in Yakima, Washington. I was with her the weekend before she died....and it was a very meaningful, intimate time. I left Sunday, after dressing her, holding her gently in my arms as I pulled her trousers up, and adjusted her sweater. I loved her very dearly, although our relationship had some ups and downs throughout the years--she coped so poorly with losing her only son, my only brother. Anyway, Wednesday she went into the hospital. Thursday I got there, drove barefoot--furiously drove--to be by her side. Thursday afternoon, the doctor informed her that she was terminal....and Saturday, we put her on hospice. She was in her own room in the hospital, just lying there, waiting to die. When we took her off of the ventilator, they said that she would die immediately. In fact, it took her ten hours. She died at 9:43 pm...just she and I in the room. I can see her. I can be there right now, in my mind...I think, to a degree, that it is PTSD. I am in terrible pain recalling it.

Dad's situation was even worse. I got Mom's funeral organized, and it was 26 October. November 17th, I put Dad into the hospital...911 was called, they scraped him out of his bed, barely breathing. Pneumonia, sepsis, kidney failure, heart failure, diabetes, hepatitis C....what didn't my darling dad have? We went through seven agonizing months. Yes, I took him to his home. Yes, I spent money caring for him. Yes, I dealt with an INSANE girlfriend who caused me emotional pain like you can't imagine. And yes...I was there when he passed, at 5:15 AM on May 12th, 2012. Oh. My. God. It has been a hard, hard year.

Now, where are we? well, I am a full time teacher, and I love my students, and love my job. Good thing. Because it does bring me joy. But I am suffering. I am open to any advice. Thanks for letting me vent.

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