There is no such thing as a "new normal"

Hi There. As a mother who lost her eldest son ten years ago, I have come to really dislike the term often used in grief work as living with a new normal. I work as a grief therapist and psychotherapist, and I can tell you from the perspective of a parent, there is nothing normal about the loss of a child, no matter the age. I think of it as "a new reality" that we are forced to live with. Losing someone you love isn't normal. Yes we adapt over time - life goes on with or without you. I get that. But losing a child, well that is a whole different thing. It is out of the order of things. It is my belief that we live in a death-denying society and most people are just uncomfortable with death. It's messy and nobody wants to talk about it. I get that. I think a lot of people are afraid that if it happens to you, it can happen to them. It has been my experience that we must do the adapting, harsh as that is, because the world marches on. People want us to be better, even members of our own family. But the reality belongs to us and us alone. This is a difficult journey and one I would not wish on my worst enemy. At the end of the day, it still surprises me that ten years later and I'm still here. Never thought it would happen. We can find happiness again and even joy, but it's never ever the same. We are changed forever, and that is the new reality.

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Comment by Barbara Rieger on October 17, 2016 at 8:35pm: Hi Sharon, I read what you posted on "Loss of Child" on October 7th. Coincidentally it was my father's birthday and my maternal grandfather's birthday. My son Joe was taken struck by a drunk driver April 4, 2010. The next morning at 8am 2 police officers came. And my response when I opened the door and asked if they can come in was "This isn't good!" I'm going on the 7 year mark. The reason I decided to post to you tonight is that Melinda Guinn lost her daughter with a 2 week time frame of my son Joe's farewell. Melinda has posted to you to help her twice and I saw her recent plea to you tonight. She has been here since or before I came on. Unfortunately, she has some major health issues from having a car accident. I posted a note to her on the latest conversations on the side of the main wall of our group. Then she sent me an email with one sentence attached to something I sent to her a over a week ago to help encourage her. I've been doing this for awhile and I share the things I do to help my life to continue. I can't tell you what to do or not to do but to let you know Melinda is desperate. I'm not a therapist although I've given her many guidelines and lots of information about my life and how I overcome what she continues to go through. I told her to come on your wall and scroll down. Because she told me she can't post on this wall you have. Thank you. And please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your eldest son Gabriel. Joe was my favorite son a joke we shared as he was my only child!

Thank you in advance for anything you contribute to our site and any individual that may call on you for help.

Stay Well,

Barbara

Comment by Tami on October 4, 2016 at 12:00pm: Maybe tell your story, then tell what you do, post your support groups too if you would like. A lot of us are stuck in this grief, some more than others, still at the beginning stages, I basically started the site to connect with other grieving parents, it helped me a lot in the beginning.

Comment by Sharon Rossy on October 4, 2016 at 8:28am: Hi Tami, I believed I did join "Loss of a Child" - How do I find out? still trying to understand the site. I would love to help anyone I can, knowing that journey we go through. I run support groups for bereaved mothers- since 2009. There is such a need. So just tell me what the process is to give help and I'm happy to do it. I think the most important piece of "wisdom" I could give is that there is no time frame or right or wrong way to grieve. We go through life with a different set of lens.

Comment by Tami on October 3, 2016 at 11:45pm: Hi Sharon,I'm sorry to hear about your son, it's been 7 long years for me, I don't think time heals all, yes, we can laugh, we can find joy, but boy, it's always there, the missing, the emptiness... have you joined our page here at Legacy "Loss of a child"? Your words are so true. I would love if you would talk to some parents on my page. You as a Proffessional could probably give some great advice!

Nice to meet you, sorry it has to be here!

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