Today is aug. middle of august. year and 9 months into grief. lost 7year boyfriend, compainion, to heart attack

Its so funny the last time i made a blog post.. It really came back to haunt me.. Like within 2 months. 2005

So I wonder if this one will as well, I really want to reach out and express myself but I have not had the right place or person to be simple very raw and honest. so I Will, for the sake of the record.. and for my own healing . attempt to be as honest as possible. As i do believe that many of us live in a bit of denial. I know some denial is a protective meconism.. but to grow and to build i do believe we must build on a solid foundation as the truth..

according to a bible ; parable.. everyone is entitled to there own interpretation.. as it fits..

I know from my early childhood, were i blacking out certain, incidences.. and family members being in denial. of events,, ( I was molested at 11-12 years old by a step father..) I blacked out during the harshest of events and my mother is in denial to this day of such occurance that happened under her nose on her time of being a parent) .. She blames me... she has said" you child ruined my family" .

So as a preamptive.. of bringing around the topic, of interest i want to give you this brief childhood experience so you understand why and where I am comming from)
Real Life ...

... After comming of age and having the sole , role models- fall to completely, disapoint and dissallusionment. I was taken out of the home by social services.. And my biological father gained custody.. Through that experience i felt as i experienced a death of parents who i thought they were and who they were not the same and the original concept never to be recoverd.. Well along with the fact that i had 2 yonger step brothers that I was playing the role of second mother to. that I completely lost.. dont ever anticipate having a real healthy relationship after the trama. and based on circumstance.

It was the death of a family.. to me.. And 8 years later.. I hadnot really morned for them.. just completely,, numb.. i started missing children and thinking about kids. but was not settled to really have my own. especially after what i had gone through.. I never wanted to bring a child into this world to suffer as I did. And untill i could offer a better life to my children where there safety and well being came by the sacrafices of my own.. i was not going to have them..


So at 20 I met M.- We started off spending time together.. Then it started to become something else..

so he died a year and a half ago. plus 3 months.

Grief.. not sleeping at night.. having no real companion, exept a dog and 2 cats.. alienated from society and not fitting into a pier group.. something i experienced early on in life..

I want to say something, I was listening to the radio while driving the other day.. And this clever, so he thought talk show host brought a young child 8 years old,, and mother.. to be interviewed on the ( topic of Economic Times and Impact of Child When parent looses Primary Job)

.. As it is supposed to be a free country.. I wish to exercise my right of an oppinion which most people do in washington dc.. on the topic of politics.. especially rush .. and others.

The talk show host thinking he is so cleaver to bless the public with this 8 year olds very rebounding, optomism. around the fact that her dad lost his job.. and how she felt at her home as though she should do something to help but didnt know what.. And Was a very sensitive child.. that empathetically gathered ,, emotional energy from her parents, Obsorbed.. A year and half of her father,, ( parents divorced) with out a job.. how the dad had no confidence during that year.. and how misserable it was at his house. and how they would go to the store and her sister and her would ask for things at the store and her father did not have money.. and was always remminded. by his children asking for certain foods at the grocery store.. The girl mentioned that she regretted at first not understanding ,, and asking her father untill as time went on she began to grasp... no money no job.. concept.. Well her mothers house was better and the mother mentined that she tried to compensate for where the father ... was burdening the children,,,, to try to not have the children burdened or worried while at her house.. Well the father got a job where he travels the child mentioned how the father was much happier and how they can buy furniture but that the dad is not there and the mother mentioned how the father can now help her out.. the mother being a masters degree and working at a college as a temp .. proffessor mentined she took a job knowing it was a temp position,, and only having a masters not a doctorate at that level was not favorable to the economy and her job,, opportunity's she said that it was very likely that she would be let go in a couple of months due to the fact that .. her contract would not be renewed and her dept. lead , meantioned they would not have room in the budget to replace her.. so feeling it was preeminant that she too would loose her job.. She kept it as a secret from her children,, but when the girlscount came to the door one day to sell cookies she slipped and said i just dont have the money... I am about to loose my job.. her daugter over heard the conversation... and confronted her mom.. her mom says that she felt horrable that she had to find out that way... oh and as a side note the mother ended up getting her contract renewed.. for another year.. THe child was asked can you go outside and play with your friends while you know this information she says no i want to do something to help )

The human condition: we do all we can to survive. its our primary goal.. thats why in my personal oppinoin :" people who are in grief stay up all night because they want to do everyhting they can untill they are completley exhasted than they sleep.. once they cant take another step.. because we want to find all the answers. futile,,, searching yearning. hoping .. love can never be consumed it is all consumming we do anything to find our loved one.. search the globe,, suffer anything physically to be reunited. So is with the child untill the most important critical issue is resolved she cant do anything-- like play.. or sleep in our case. even though it is completely out of our control as it is with us the death of a loved one out of our control.

1) not always so judgmental but this really strickes a nerve and i may not have a right to judge.. this situation but it really upsets.. me.. I was a child once.. have not been a parent so i may not have the right to judge parents ( until you walk in there shoes) I am .. becuse I was once a child.. Who took a lot of emotional bagage and burden from my parents being very sensitive, intuitive, and aware of my surroundings.. As children are observational learners..

Parents first of all if you have children plan on staying married.. its not about you.. self-ish ) its about your children.... they are our future the future society.. .... not you .. I dont care what you have to sacrafice.. do it for your children.. oh ) so your not happy- in your marrage, decide to be... because as adults feelings are for loosers. You choose how you feel... Decisions are for winners you got married so stay married so your children can have a chance at a heathy happy life.. that yes revolves around the child... Marriage is the fundimental elementary primary support structrue of society.
so our society can raise healthy adults who can then have heatlhy children..

Thats why god made two people .... make a child and not just one so two can take care of them.together in the bonds of love.

wake up..

all though i have not had children.. I am being responsible not to .. for selfish reasons.. i could of had a child but.. couldn't do such a thing bring a child for my own self-made interest.

My boyfriend who died.. stayed in his relationship as did his wife for ... who ..... the children... ( a child) Beutiful looks just liker her father.. ---
Its all about the children.... no one talks about the plants , the animalas the children who us adults and humans are in a positon to care for ..

Why because he loved his child more than anything in this world, Why because he is a real man.. Who sacraficed all up to his very life.. where he died.. at his home after giving his all... to his family... who .... unaware of his ill heatlh.. did not call the ambulance nor administer CPR.. he was dead for an hour... before the ambulance got there.. why because as Jesus Died for the church... As in the bible a man is to give himself , self sacrafice for the family as jesus did for the church.. he did..

He is a real man... So i loved him and admired. him he did what neither of my parants did for my brother and I .... I was his girlfriend,, invited and often went to several of his doctors appointemnts before surgery.. etc. etc... I was not 1st in his life.. and I always put him first.. and feel to a far of 3rd.. . was not in a place to care for him.. as i would of wanted.. or needed to to prevent such a tragedy..

however he did have a wife who should of been there checking on his every need.. and wasn't so thats obvious ly why he found himself with me..
Why I stayed as his friend because I get. that.. I would sacrifice and have all my life sacrificed for the sake of children.. who in this case his daughter because she has a longer time to live and all we have we give to them why because they are our gift from God.. and a perfect representation of us.. I would do it again.. to this day i absolutley sole-ly love a child of his i have never know.n.. She is the hope for the whole world to have a representation of such an honorable man. she god bless her will be alive longer than me and her children..

My little brother s for instance they have no idea that there father molested. me .. And it is kept from them .. and I am the one put to shame.. Why to protect them.. so I have to carry the burden.. emotional burden.. )

Yes its about the children .... why because we will die and who will be here our children they are our resposibility as people in society to keep it safe and clean for who our children.. if there where no children,, this world would be more selfish and more messed up,..

YEs I am a lady but when it comes to children.... and there protection I am protective and here in use my voice in protest for there sake. ... but in this case i want people to see it for what it truely is .. I do not have my own children.. however that does not mean.. that .. it is not my responsibility to think for them before myself.. why because they are inocent and can not think for themself.. and protect themself..

I was crucified.. and killed as a child due to the , inability of parents to be responsible and protective.. the child inside of me was masacered very early on.. not to play with kids my own age.. becuse the burden of confussing, bewilderment that went along with my developmental experience.. I could not be a inocent, no thought in the world or worry - mode as all children are entitled to. why because i had to always help out around the house as my mother put it dont ask me what you should do just find jobs and do them.. So I did.. everything i could to help her and her 2 little babbies until i was by social services removed from the home.

Never could identify with my pier group why ,, because i carried the emotional bagage of my parents.. this is not fare.. a child does not develope.. in a natural way .. there growth is stunted.. and emotionally they become handicape.. for who for what for every.. there parents,, so there parents can hand over the emotional load to there children.. oh like the parent always complaining how there spouse left them.. and putting it on a burden for a child.

The parents can move beyond.. the emotional is for them a bump in the road they hand the burden off to there children they bore. for what as an accident.. or a mistake .. as my mother puts it. and they move on to a new husban new family new chance.. and the child is scared for life. Why because as the interview on the radio.. adults find it so refeshing and ammusing to see an 8 year old.. so able to tell a story about her dad so positively .. and tell others who are listening that if your parant has lost there job that dont worry something will come around.. if i can get through it so can you.. .. ˇhe parents think oh i have a mature child.. they can only bare the burden for so long eventually someone has to pay for carring it in my life experience I am the one who pays .. When i hit adult hood all of my childhood drama.. I was there to confrount solve and live out the disfunciton of.. When your an adult you take the responsibility not to blame but to pick up the pieces. eventually the stuff catches up to you and the cost of not having a parent.. a family.... nothing in this world can make up for.. not a billion dollors , the fanciest car.. the nicest resorts, and hotels. and all the luck in the world after the fact. ..

So here i am as a matter of FACT not poor me,, or what ever... Its a fact. life fact.. I am not in denial..
I have no real family,, and a best friend dead..

so I experience grief.. I know if had a better support structure early on .. I would not be in the situation I am in now.. I would of had the world rapped around my finger as all people born in this world with parents who are alive should entitle there children to.. unconditioinal love and support..

I know family's that do just that cultures other than america who actually have family values.. family's who when there kids are 50+ years old go to there mother for comfort a meal and support. and 70 year old parents who stay up all hours driving the neiborhood of there son looking for there 47 year old who just broke up with his girlfriend ,, to bring him home to mom and dad .. who give up there master bedroom so the grown 47 year old can sleep in mommy and dads room ,, which is far away from the road. so he can sleep in the morning..

Self sacrifice.. -- if you are taught love,, than its not self sacrifcie its love made manifest. and unfortuanatly most parents in amereican society know nothing of the sort. Surley mine didn;t oh I love you .. than they get off the phone.... Phonnies american,, salesmen phoneis.. are what they aRe'' all talk and no action. they think they are hollywood actresses.. and actors.. drive around in a fancy car and think that that makes them good parents.

no! show me you love me when you show it you never have to actions speek louder than words.. do it so you never have to tell me. I have a dog which i treat better than most people treat there children.. according to my friends comment.. I didnt say it..

and american women comments while on a vacation, - last night while i was walking my dog -, told strangers that she missed her dog more than her daughter people have no self respect. ,,,, shameless.

Its all about the Children..

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