My sister called the other day saying she tried to kill herself again. She's in the hospital again. I am not sure how many times this year this has happened, but it makes me ill. She said once she is released she is ending it all. She can't take the pain anymore. She kept telling me in the phone call that what she is doing to do is nothing against me, but to help her. SHE is making a decision for her and nobody else. She ended the call in a somber way and said her phone would be shut off. I have not heard from her since Monday night.

I called the hospital yesterday and they confirmed she was there. I asked to talk to a social worker and they said due to privacy reasons, I couldn't. I got so mad at the lady and yelled at her that my sister told me she was killing herself upon her release, and how is that going to feel when it happens after she REFUSED to pass on this information? She finally took my name and number but said not to expect a call back. She was very rude considering she is working with a group of non-stable people daily. I wonder what kind of care my sister is even getting there.

I know many people are here because of the grief of losing a loved one. I am here preparing myself for that phone call from the police saying I have lost my sister. I grieve daily over the fact that the sister I have now is not the sister I had before. The sister I knew is no longer here and I have no idea what happened to her or who/what took her away. She is the love of my life. WHY did mental illness hit her and WHY is she refusing counseling? WHY is she refusing to get the help she needs, and instead continues to make hasty decisions which have led her to be homeless in 15 degree weather, have no job, no money and nowhere to go? Why? I am troubled with these thoughts daily as I work, try to be mentally available for my family and when I sleep. Mental illness does not just hurt the person suffering with it, but everybody who loves them.

I wish all of this pain would go away so I can resume my normal life and smile again.