Dear Chris,

I miss u so much I don't know what to do with myself. I go to work and put this stupied smile on my face and hope and pray nobody sees through to the real pain.I can't get anyone to help me I have tried so hard to find a lawyer to say the dr's done something wrong but that in it's self is a good thing because I made all the right decisions. I often wonder if I had turned left instead of right would that have changed your destany. God I hate living. I hate my life. I can't believe some of the things people say to me like God don't put more on u than u can bear but that isn't true. This is way to hard. I find myself wanting and wondering why the battle was so long and so hard and just to loose it.

I made u a walk to remember or it is in the process I pour a sidewalk and each step has a word that reminds me of and your friends and family of u. I need this I need to do this. I can't let u go. Nobody will ever know what u did for the world. You inproved cancer treatment for everyone. Nobody understands that u are now in the Medical Journals with help to others but nobody will know that. I don't want u ever forgotten.

Wake me up when Sept is over is a them for the month. This is the month u were born,this is the month your illness came back for the 3 time. This is the month they gave u the chemo that took u away. I hate this month. I wish I could take a pill and just sleep through the month and not face it.

My counsler thinks it is time for me to get rid of your stuff but I am not ready. I will not ever give up on the hopes of seeing you again. I know this isn't healthy but it is how I survive. I want to see u walk through the door and wake me up that this has all been a bad dream. He also states I need to get on with my life but I don't know how. I have put my life on hold to take care of u and would do it again. Seven years I sat by your bedside. I don't know how to start living or nor do I have the want to. I just don't understand.

I saved a little boy from getting killed by those dogs u hated. They almost killed him by the time I got to him. I drop kicked one and punched the other. They left and I started to help the little boy and called 911 but they came back and I once again threw myself on top of him and knocked the dogs away and u guessed it they left and came back again.The entire time I was praying and I know if you were here u would have done the samething. Everybody ask me was I scared no there was no time,what was I thinking that little boy was not going to die that day in my arms not again. There was a big thing made about it. I changed my phone number to keep the media off me. You would have been proud. I got a few bites but as I see it, all the bites I took was less the boy had to take. He is scared and hurt but alive.Amazing that as small as I am I fought off 2 pitbulls from killing a 11 year old boy.I still have dreams of the little boys screams and fighting the dogs. Maybe that is why I am still here. I was to save the little boy. I don't know I am just trying to make since of all this. I am trying to figure out how and when my life took such a turn. I am not a hero nor am I proud of it. It should have never happened.

I miss u so I would do anything to have 10 more minutes with you. I want to hold u and let u know everthing is ok. I want u back. No parent should ever have to let go of their child. I write this to you because it lets me know u are still here. I look around and Chad has your eyes. Kaden acts like u, Kenny is the one u look most like,everywhere I look u are alive.

Love always

Mom

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