I live in world of one day at a time.  Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I feel like the world is falling out from under me.  My husband decided it was time to leave me on August 8, 2011.  Except he left with no answers, no clues to why and no goodbyes.  I really haven't told alot of people how my feelings are so mixed about the whole situation.  I fight each day to start with smile. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't.  My biggest question in my mind is why.  What did I do?  I hurt everyday of my life for the pain he must have been in and didn't even see it.  How do you continue to fight?  Knowing his pain in his heart and soul was so deep that he felt he could and did leave us in such a way.  It left so many scars on my family and I try so hard to keep them together.  But it just doesn't work.  So all I know to ask is does anyone know what next?

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Comment by Betty Farnsworth on March 8, 2013 at 10:07pm

Some people hide it when they are hurting. They don't want anyone knowing their pain. They worry about seeming weak or not wanting anyone else hurting. Living without sharing their pain hurts them worse. A lot of times we never find out what pain they were hiding. You didn't know because he didn't want you to know.. Don't blame yourself. Grieve for the loss of your relationship, grieve for the loss of him. It is normal. Getting over it never happens but we learn a different way of living. Living with the sorrow when it comes but not allowing his pain to end your life. Life goes on but I've learned to let someone know I love them, you never know when the end will come. I don't ever want someone else to die without knowing my love. Little behaviors mean little to me, I've gotten more patient. I was lucky the night before she died I told her how much I loved here, but others I hadn't now I do let them know they are loved and appreciated. I still cry mostly at night when I want her to know what happened during the day and when her birthday and the date of her death comes around, and holidays but I can now do things during the day and live again. Never forgetting but living.

Comment by Barbara Rubel on February 5, 2013 at 6:12pm

All too often there are no clues or goodbyes and those bereaved by suicide are left with unanswerable questions.  It is good to have a support system in place whether family, friends, faith community, coworkers, or suicide survivor support groups. It is such a tragic loss and it really does change the fiber of our being.

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