Pat, please don't do anything to hurt yourself.  It would take care of your pain that is for sure, but it would leave a big mess and a lot of pain for all of your friends and relatives to bare for the rest of their lives.  I know, we lost our granddaughter Mikayla aged 17 to suicide.  She shot herself in the head in her bedroom while her brother and cousins were in the living room next door.  They thought she had dropped something and didn't go check on her for a while.  Mikayla's dog, in the room with her started uncontrollably barking.  So my grandson went to tell her to keep the dog quiet.  Normally he would just bang on the door and tell her to make Brody stop barking but this time he opened the door and found her lying of the floor with a 22 bullet in her head. 

I don't mean to be graffic, but you need to find a different place for the gun.  Give it away, hide it, and for God's sake get a gun lock so it can't be used without taking off the lock.  Many sheriff or police departments have gun locks for free.  We give them away every year when the fair comes to town.  Have you been to see your doctor about taking an anti-anxiety or an anti-depressant.  These are not cure-alls as I have found out but they do deaden the pain slightly.  I still cry everyday and the pain is still there and will probably never go away, but I am making it slowly day by day.  God Bless you and give you comfort and peace.  We love you and don't want to see you hurt yourself. 

A friend,through our group,  Bobbie Caetano

Pat I felt the same way you but I have to live for my other two kids.If I take

my life or if you do you won't be able to see your son that's what I think.I don't

understand this why me why my child why did he get in the even do them were

his friends.

pat am sorry for all your pain.i dont know how you can beare the pain of your great loss of 2 children.no one should have such loss.one is bad enough.its at no surprise you feel the way you do.hugs hope you find some peace in life.

You said:

Why--why does God favor these rich kids that don't care about anything but themselves and abandon my boy, who  believed God was going to protect him. He really did.  He told me that he felt safe on his bike "because he knew in his heart that there was no way God would give him such a hard life--and then just let him die". He said that to me a couple of times, the last being about a month before he was killed.

Dear Pat, to answer your question please remember that Satan is working very hard to discredit God. Satan is a powerful spirit creature, originally created by God as an angel, a spirit son with access to Jehovah’s heavenly court. (Job 1:6) However, Satan exercised his free will in opposition to God; with cunning he led Eve and, through her, Adam into disobedience and death. (2 Corinthians 11:3) Thus, he became Satan, meaning “Adversary”—a rebel, a demon, a manslayer, and a liar. (John 8:44) How appropriate is Paul’s expression that “Satan himself keeps transforming himself into an angel of light,” when in actual fact he is a ‘world ruler of this darkness’! (2 Corinthians 6:14; 11:14; Ephesians 6:12) By enticing other angels to rebel, he led them out of God’s light into his own darkness. He became “the ruler of the demons.” Jesus also identified him as “the ruler of this world.”—Matthew 9:34; 12:24-28; John 16:11.

 Why Do the Wicked Prosper? “WHY is it that the wicked themselves keep living?” This question was asked long ago by faithful Job, and it has been repeated many times since his day. Likely it is on the minds of many people who mourn over those who suffer in a tragic war, sickness and death. Why do wicked people survive and even prosper? As Job noted, often “their houses are peace itself, free from dread, and the rod of God is not upon them.”—Job 21:7, 9.

Does this mean that there is no value in serving God, loving one’s neighbor, and abstaining from doing wrong? By no means! The Bible gives us the right perspective when it says: “Do not strive to outdo the evildoers or emulate those who do wrong. For like grass they soon wither, and fade like the green of spring. Trust in the LORD and do good.”—Psalm 37:1-3, The New English Bible. (Proverbs 14:19) “Bad people will have to bow down before the good ones, and the wicked people at the gates of the righteous one.”

Yes, the apparent prosperity of the wicked is just temporary. In fact, their lives are very short, while those who serve God have a glorious hope for the future. Soon, God’s promise will be fulfilled: “[God] will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4) Only the righteous, not the wicked, will see that time. What an encouragement to draw close to God and learn to do his will, however wicked those around us may be! (Psalms 37:10, 11,29)

Brenda

Mawmaw1591@gmail.com

We haven't talked in a while - is your messages working again?

Pat,

I am so sorry everyone is so insensitive on your daughter's birthday. In my case, it sure has made me look at people differently, most of all, my family members.

I hope you're hanging in there.

dear pat,

i was reading your post about the 2nd year.  its been 2 years and 1 month and YES.  the 2nd year is worse.  maybe its because we finally realize our sons are not coming back and i do agree, its a slow miserable death sentence for us. i still cannot really believe that my dusty is gone.  i dont want to live without him, but i am being selfish because he had a drug abuse problem and now he is at p eace from his chaotic world.   hugs, valerie

Pat,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful children. You sent me a wonderful caring comment and I read and appreciated every word. It was double posted so I went to delete the second one and it went so fast I deleted both. It was not intentional and I'm sorry. I am just such an idiot these days. Again I wanted to thank you for reaching out through your pain to help me. Sandy

Hi Pat,

I can relate to so many of the feelings you wrote about that I felt I just had to write.  My son was 38 when we lost him from complications of pneumonia due to a negligent doctor who told him he "wasn't that sick".  The first half of his life was difficult because he was just a tiny bit different from other kids & many gave him a hard time, although he was always kind & gentle.  At 28 he was diagnosed with Asperger's, a very mild form of Autism.  By that time it didn't matter because he had made so many good friends in college.  He excelled in computer studies, and eventually got a very good job.  He was so happy & enthusiastic about life.  His friends kept telling him to get a check-up because they thought he might have sleep apnea or diabetes (he loved sugar).  That's how caring they were.  He  finally got a check-up and was sent to a Sleep Lab, where he was diagnosed with a severe case of sleep apnea.  He began using the CPAP they prescribed, and was excited at how well it worked.  He also went to a dentist for a check-up and an ophthalmologist for new glasses & felt like he was finally taking good care of himself.  Next on his list was to get into better shape.  He joked about how much time this "staying healthy" took, but didn't complain.  He just wanted everyone to be happy & be good people.  He was smart, kind, funny, helpful, and treated all living things with love and respect.  

And, what did he get?  A doctor who was incompetent & ignorant (so I've been told by people who work with her).  Todd didn't dislike many people, but I could tell he didn't think much of her, because of her rude dismissal of him & his symptoms.  We never thought in a million years that her incompetence would cost him his life.  

Todd would have turned 40 last January 12th. My heart is broken.

Sending you hugs from another bereaved mother,

Janet