Valerie moore's Comments

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At 11:48am on June 16, 2010, valerie moore said…
ANN,
I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SON, YOUR RIGHT, IT DOESNT MATTER HOW THEY PASSED, DRUG ABUSE, GUNS, THEY DID NOT DESERVE IT. IN MY HEART, (NOT TRYING TO STAY NEGATIVE) I DONT THINK I WILL EVER BE HAPPY OR JOYOUS AGAIN. I DONT HAVE ANY DREAMS OR HOPES ANYMORE, I AM AFRAID OF THE FUTURE. IF I MAKE IT ONE MINUTE, I SAY, THANK YOU GOD FOR GETTINGME THROUGH THAT ONE MINUTE, THEN I MOVE TO THE NEXT FOR WHATEVR ITS WORTH. I HAVE NO PURPOSE ANYMORE, I HAVE NO OTHER CHILDREN- // ANN,WE ARE BOTH IN AWFUL SITUATIONS. IN LEGACY CONNECT, ALL WE CAN DO IS SHARE OUR STORIES AND BE THERE TO LISTEN AND OFFER ADVISE. ALL WE HAVE ..IS EACH OTHER..... VALERIE
At 11:34am on June 16, 2010, Ann said…
You know Valerie, it's like my brother said......I don't care if he was doing a pound of cocaine a day, he didn't deserve to die for it. My son was found dead of a gunshot wound by 3 of his good friends......the crazy police said suicide but one does not complete suicide in the manner and situation my son was found in. I won't go in to the details but there is no way it was physically possible. So I have to deal with that as well as the loss of my baby. I am so glad that you did not give up on your baby because our kids need someone in their corner no matter what is going on. It's hard for me to talk about Michael too without the tears coming. He was my whole life and now he's gone.....how am I not supposed to cry??? I will pray for you and hope your situation improves.
Love Ann
At 2:55pm on June 15, 2010, valerie moore said…
ann
when you lose a child of whatever age, i feel there is no closure. yes, i knew how dusty died, what he died of, i had a feeling it was coming (drug abuse)however, like you, its been 9 months and i am worse off than i was. every day seems harder. perhaps the real shock has worn off , i dont know. i live with my husband and mother in law, and things arent going well ..they just dont understand the gravity of the grief and my loss. they werent happy my son(from another marriage) was an addict therefore they distanced themselves from him, unlike me, i embraced him more so never once dropping the ball on him. he needed me more than ever, even though i had done everything humanly possible to help him, he just wasnt ready to put the drugs down.
i always have a lump in my throat and really cannot talk about him face to face without tears.
love and hugs valerie
At 2:48pm on June 15, 2010, Ann said…
Valerie I understand where you are. Some times I feel as though no one has ever suffered as I am now, but I know in my mind that is not true. Some of my friends think I should "be back to Normal" now, but they either never had kids or never lost one. My heart breaks for everyone who has to travel this road. It is a very hard journey. No, I'm not "better" and if anything worse. I have even considered seeing a psychic to try to get some closure.
Hugs,
Ann
At 1:00pm on June 15, 2010, valerie moore said…
rev durden, i will never be the same.. i will never feel the same, my whole outlook on life will never be the same... i wish God had taken me.
At 12:44pm on June 15, 2010, valerie moore said…
rev durden, thanks for your wonderful words. since i previously used drugs (same ones that killed dusty) in fact, we used together,,how terrible is that>??? real bad mom...
i do know how strong the pull is.. it literally destroys every avenue of your life. you lose everything, and i know that dusty went to extremes i really dont want to know about, to get the drugs. i hurt for him real bad. i prayed every minute that God would help him. when he died, yes, at first i blamed God for not listening to my prayers. but in a way, he did, by taking dusty to a much better place, he is at peace, no drugs, no bad things, just a beautiful resting place. he deserved that. in some ways, i think he resorted to drugs because his father literally abandon him and it affected dusty. i am not sure, i am not looking to blame anyone anymore. i guess the only thing i get angry is having to cope with my grief. the misery of the daily grind, thinking of everything from the day he passed, to all kinds of things, i need to work on putting in the past. i know the Lord set up a meeting for dusty and i the night before. dusty called me and needed tylenol. i was on my way home fromthe mall and i stopped at the churches fried chicken right by my apartment. i gave him 5 tylenol..his leg was hurting. we hugged and kissed and said our i love yous. i was gone by the next morning. there was 2 tylenol left in his pocket.....
i thank God for that meeting. i wish i would have said i love you one more time. or one more hug.
i so sad. i need some peace with all this. i pray every minute i can and ask God to bring me to some sort of place i can live with.
thank you rev durden. glad youre ok.
hope you feel better, i pray for you.
valerie
At 9:30pm on June 14, 2010, Rev.James Durden said…
Hi Valerie,I'm sad after reading your blog and seeing you say you have a lot of anger towards God,as I read you said Dusty was a drug addict and many other things that always come with the territory,it brought tears to my eyes to know that you had to endure such a hard time watching your child destroy himself while being helpless in the process,drugs can have a hold on the body that only the person doing them knows,there is the cravings that are mind bending & there's the problem of trying to get them at all cost even by causing pain to those who love you the most,the one thing I've found with parents is their focus on blaming God for the problem and not doing anything about it.Let me say this how many people ever think how much it hurts God to see his child destroy the temple he created to worship him in and how much it breaks God's heart when we won't turn before we kill our organs,destroy our brain cells,destroy our families in the process,all of this because God gave us a free will to choose the right from the wrong.My friend it took me until I was 33yrs.old before I stopped doing drugs and drinking any & everthing I could get in my mouth,my mother was on her death bed as I had only quit a few years only to watch her leave this world,I tried to tell her how sorry I was for all the pain I caused her and she was so gracious to say don't worry James I'm alright now that you've stopped please stay in the church and treat your wife right as I had failed in my first relationship of 7 yrs.and 2 children that felt the pain of their dad leaving them at two & five yrs old,the five yr.old Valerie was my Kisha who worried her little self so bad that a tumor had grown in between her eyes and brain and there I stand in the hospital for 18 hours as they remove it,needless to say she would never be the same but she still loved her daddywith all her heart and wanted to be where ever I was,and anytime she knew I was in pain from a back injury I received in 1982 that I suffer till this day in excrutiating pain daily with no cure only 18 different medicines per day.So I sit & cry so many days because my baby worried about her dad all the timeand now I have the sad duty of looking back and crying night and day for all of the pain i inflicted on so many of my love ones,I've not been a preacher 21 yrs the othe I've acted a fool and hurt many people that tell me today I'm so glad you changed but the price has been high Valerie and I'm sure if Dusty could have gotten over the physical compulsion coupled with the mental obsession that has a double pull on your body he would have stopped but because the pull was so hard on his body and mind he could not break free,that my friend is only part of the world of drugs and the pull it has on your body.I know what you said but when you're deep in the woods its hard to hear the voice of God and others as you consistently pull away you only sink deeper into the woods and that I did for so long until I came to my self as the Prodigal Son did when he was in the "hogpen".(Luke 15)We have to come to our selves Valerie before we can get out of the muck and mire of the drug world,as for God his hand is always reaching for us its up to us to reach out and take it and many have said I don't want to as my best friend whom I preached his funeral and cried afterwards because he told me I don't want to quit,so many times I prayed wwith him and he begged God to forgive himand I know God did but he continued to destroy his body and mind.So my friend look up and thank God that for receiving your child in the manner he did so many people think that God condemns people because of their weakness but its God who hears their cry even whe we don't and I'm sure he heard Dusty's cry when you did not and save his soul for we cry at times when others are not around and ask God to save us and he does. So cheer up,look up and trust that God is way ahead of us and let your anger fall to the ground and your pain will ease as you never thought it would.
At 8:33pm on June 14, 2010, Rev.James Durden said…
Hi Valerie,I'm okayI just hope all of the legacy friends are doing good as God would have them be,as the days can get long and the nights even longer,so many people are hurting and God only knows how many are alone in their homes with only the walls to look at.I know you said a grain of hope was all you had and that's all you need because God can add faith to your grain and watch it explode,so keep your grain as I pray for it to become a big mountain that you can stand atop and look down and see how far you've climbed.
At 9:31am on June 14, 2010, Lisa Halsey said…
Iam sorry for your lost of your son Dusty. I know what your going threw I lost my oldest son Daniel on Nov.16th
2008 he was killed in a car accident. He just 21 on Oct. 22 he was my first born my first love my best friend, he was away at college the last time I saw him was Oct 26th 2008 we celebrated his birthday he had some college friends there also I guess I realize we celebrated his departure from us I talked to him every day the last time we talked was the night before he died I remember last words were mom I love U. I still have another son Micheal who is 17 Daniel and Michael have the sameday 5yrs apart. Michael not only lost his best friend but his hero they were so close. The first birthday with out Daniel some of his friends came up that weekend stayed with us and Micheal I had a cake made for him with his picture on it we went to the grave site had 22 balloons made for him and a big heart one and colors purple and gold and white. Which represents his college colors and his high school colors he played football he was a star, we all tied little notes on it and we said a little prayer and let them go it was nice. I cry all the time I miss my little boy so much. He was texting and driving. I lost my faith because I keep asking myself Y my son. keep your spirits up hun just think your son is an angel now with my son. a grieving mother Lisa Halsey you can google his name Daniel D. Rivera and U can see how much he was loved and it will tell U his story.
At 4:43pm on June 12, 2010, valerie moore said…
tammy. my son was a drug addict. had been for years, i tried everything, from setting him up in apartments, buying cars..anything i could possibly do for him, i did. i still keep thinking, there has to me 1 moRE Thing i could do. he died from a combination of, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine and morphine.. the place where these ladies let him stay, one of them had morphine pills due to advanced osteoporosis, the other one...a drug addict... i will always wonder,,,what were his last thoughts.. he was basically homeless, i have alot of guilt because i could not let him into our home, because he would steal whatever he could in order to pawn for drugs. so,we are right about in the same time frame with our loss. i know , i will never be the same person, i will never be whole again, have alot of anger towards God and some days, cant imagine going on. i fear i am working towards a nervous breakdown.. his birthday and 1 yr anniv are approaching and i have been sick with anguish as i approach these days. what are you planning on the 1 year anniv day??? thanks for your input.. take care also, valerie
At 2:41pm on June 12, 2010, Tammy Egberts said…
valerie, my son passed away last august 19th from a combination of ambien(sleeping aid) small amt of methodone, pnemonia...we did not know he had a problem to that extent with drugs nor did we know that he was sick with pnemonia...i will never really know the true cause so i feel no closure, not that i could ever feel that...i struggle every day with this pain, and deep sadness as you do...we will never stop missing them, and life is alot more empty without our son's....i fear i will never be able to be the person i once was because i have so much anger in me, sometimes i think i am losing my mind...take care, tammy
At 9:00am on June 11, 2010, valerie moore said…
thank you diana for sharing your birthday idea, however, i live with my mother in law and my husband and they have totally different views on grief. every time i have brought up an idea, they sarcastically say....ooooooooooooook,... its very hurtful, so i am so alone. my own mother and sisters are not supportive as well, so i really am so alone in my grief. i am so stressed out about his birthday and 1 year anniv of his passing that i am having very bad headaches, nausea and neck pain... his death is literally killing me.
valerie
At 5:32pm on June 10, 2010, Diana Sanchez said…
I am so sorry for your loss Valerie. My 21 year old son died almost 7 months ago and I can imagine how you feel. He would have been 22 on February 10th. What I did is I invited family and friends (mine and his) and had a reunion of sorts. We had food, cake and drinks for those who wanted to drink. Although there were tears, we had a good time sharing memories and at least I didn't feel so alone. May you find strength and comfort soon, I will pray for you.
At 9:01am on June 9, 2010, valerie moore said…
hi karen, your right, i know i will probably never really be happy again. they say you just cope better as time goes on. i feel guilty alot, like when i eat, smile, celebrate my birthday..just because he is not here. i heard the name of his favorite restaurant the other day (carrabas) and i just cried. one litte memory can through the whole day out of wack. i used to go to church, off and on, before dusty passed away, i have only gone 2 times since since he passed and i just couldnt go. i do pray almost every minute, if you will, just thanking God for getting me through another minute, hour, and finally a day.
thank you for staying in touch. valerie
At 8:47pm on June 8, 2010, karen whitman said…
god will you give you all the strength you need. When you feel like this pray, it has been the only thing that has helped me, I just want to go stay in the church, I was not a church person or a real beleiver but he has my full attention now, go to any church, you don't have to go to the same one, just pour your heart out to him, I do this all the time, he is now my best friend, don't let these days beat you up, we had something now its gone and why I will never know, I blame myself, but it was not my fault, well I ever be happy probley not, but one thing I have learned through angles accross the USA god gave us memories so we could have Roses in December. Go this web site, its powerfull.
karen
At 5:27pm on June 8, 2010, Carrie L said…
Hi Valerie thanks for writing. I am sorry you are approaching his birthday. It crossed my mind also. I saw somewhere on here that people sent notecards out and then they were returned I thought that was a good idea a fond memory of him. the balloons with seeds was also a nice idea. i don't know what i will do when that day arrives. just cry and cry. i like the candle idea though haven't done that either. i have a board with his pictures and i talk to it daily. each day is different. i am not keeping as busy as i should. i still don't want to believe it. i hear of people thinking they are on a long trip. my son did go to california. maybe i would like to pretend also. but i know i won't get his call. i know i won't take him skiing again that is the last time I saw him. i know he won't get mad at ol mom.... i am sad. i am sorry i know you are also. they gave out trees at his funeral. that would also be a good way to memorialize his birthday plant a tree.. carrie L
At 3:40pm on June 8, 2010, valerie moore said…
REV DURDEN,
YOU KNOW,, I AM HAVING A REAL HARD DAY. I KNOW ALOT OF US COME TO YOU TO TALK, CRY, PRAY AND GET ADVISE. BUT I WAS THINKING AS I WAS LAYING DOWN TODAY.. HOW ARE YOU, REV DURDEN.. DOING??? HOW ARE YOU REALLY DOING? YOU KNOW, I DONT GET ASKED THAT QUESTION, BECAUSE I FEEL MOST PEOPLE DONT WANT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT AGAIN. BUT WHEN I SAY HOW ARE YOU? I MEAN,, HOW ARE YOU REALLY?? YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A BLESSING TO ME, I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR BLESSED WORDS AND I SEE YOU TAKE THE TIME ALL HOURS OF THE DAY TO WRITE AND I APPRECIATE IT. BUT ITS NOT JUST ABOUT ME...I AM DRAWING STRENGHT ON YOUR WORDS, IT MAY BE GOING REAL SLOW , BUT IT IS HAPPENING. BLESSINGS, VALERIE
At 2:01am on June 8, 2010, Rev.James Durden said…
Happy Birthday my friend,please don't second guess the facts,you're here for the reason God wants you here and that is to be a light to someone else.Valerie there are many people who see you & wonder how you made it and that's why you're here to be a testimony to any and all you see,but you have to rise up out of the dust and shake your self off even if you have to do it every day until you get the strength live .There is no way you can go backward we have to go forward there is no peace in this valley you're in now and you know Dusty would drag you out himself so come on and let's see how you're living in this day,don't let yesterday talk you out of today my friend because you have left the drugs alone and now we have to focus on all of the things that can help us today God has not brought you this far too leave you.I stop trying to figure out why because it slows down how we make it now,don't stifle yourself and please don't fall into depression because its hard to get out and you know Dusty would not want you sick,I think of the things that my daughter would want for me and because I suffer with chronic pain I know she wants me well because she would pray for me every day and on Sunday she always prayed for her Daddy so armed with that knowledge I try and live everyday even in pain with my head and heart towards God, I pray for your strength and health,love will help you and it helps me I cry when I have to and smile when I can so don't give up or give out.
At 1:13am on June 8, 2010, Rev.James Durden said…
Hi Valerie,that's a beautiful poem & I hope you see how much God loves you,The Bible says in (psalms 56:8)God put our tears in His Bottle & in his book,it goes on to say that when you cry out too him your enemies will turn back,this I know,because God is for me.King David was going through a terrible time and he hands his tears over too God and God put them in his book and that reunion day is coming and I'm so glad that you have something before you to give you hope,joy,excitement knowing that over the horizon we all gaze for our child to come meet us with a smile.My friend don't let anyone worry you with things they don't understand for this is not something you get over but a heartache that's beyond comprehension,every day I hear someone say that no one shold have to bury their child and for those who are so strong as so they say let it happen to them & see how fast they just get over it.My heart goes out too you and all they walk this path Valerie we didn't choose to walk it but we were suddenly thrown in the middle of the road and had to get up and shake our selves off to see if this was real and real it is,so let no one make you feel inferior because your child is gone I don't care what they did.my great nephew was killed lasat year by a friend who did a mafia style shooting and shot him in the back of the head, there were 5 young men in that house only one got out the rest died and I had to watch my sister bury her grandchild over five dollars in a dice game.Go to my page I have a pitcure of Kisha & I if you have'nt seen it.
At 4:01pm on June 6, 2010, valerie moore said…
hi carrie. we all have to bond together. nobody that hasnt lost a child could EVER understand how we feel. i am constantly being pushed to "get over it" that makes me so angry... these are people that havent lost a child,they have no right to say that.
even though my son had a relentless drug addiction, i did everything humanly possible to help him, he was the most beautiful young man, with a compassionate heart and i know he loved me very much. his name is dusty. even though its been 9 months, the pain hasnt lessened at all. i can be there for you... valerie

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