Dear Elvira,

I believe that souls live on, and so your beloved husband can hear you. Tell him all the unsaid things you have for him, and he will hear you. I so know what you mean. My husband was in a lot of pain the last couple of weeks before his passing, and I still was in denial thinking/praying for a miracle. I didn't say a lot of things that I would have lied to say to him. But I did tell him that I love him. So now every night before going to sleep I talk to him, even if it's for a few minutes. My grief therapist gave me this idea. And I tell you I feel some comfort when I talk to him. I know he can hear me. You might want to start doing this, making this a part of your daily routine, this way it will feel like that he is there with you in spirit.

Tomorrow I am going to Florida with my family (we have no children) to celebrate New Year. I cannot tell you how scared I am of that. For the first time in 19 years my most wonderful husband will not be here with me, and he never will be again. It's so terribly painful. 

I pray for all of us on this forum to have courage and to be able to make it through the next couple of days. Wishing you peace this New Year

Hugs, Trina

Thank you, Elvira for your kind words of encouragement. I am so sorry for your loss. How unbearably hard it must have been for your to go through Valentine's Day so soon after your husband's passing.

People who haven't lost a beloved spouse do not understand what a traumatic experience this is. The loss of a beloved spouse has to be one of the most painful experience that one has to endure. It's such a cruelty that spouses cannot die together; there is always (almost) one spouse who has to endure the irreparable loss. It shouldn't have to be this way. How I wish I could go join my darling Joseph.

Sorry for not writing Elvira but I had my kids in town visiting so it has been pretty busy.  My good friend from Arizona is also visting.  She is staying until Monday, the kids have all left.  I don't know whats wrong with me but instead of being happy that they were here all I think about is that they are leaving or gone.  Will we ever be happy again.  Sure on the surface people will say that it looks like I'm doing well but they have no idea.  I'm sorry that you are feeling all this sadness.  I know how that is and like every one say baby steps.  This is a first for you for everything.  This will be my second Christimas without John and I am dreading it already.  Doesn't help that I dom't have a job and have all this extra time to think about everything.  Stay strong and remember I think of you all the time and talk about you and the grief group and how wonderful it has been in helping me through this.

Many hugs

Marie

Elvira, thank you for the comment on my page. I am glad to have found this website. It seems selfish but it helps knowing I am not the only one grieving.

I am very sorry for you loss and my prayers are with you. Hugs are being sent your way.

I  read a comment below from Marie about you going on vacation last month. How was it?

I look forward to days where I feel like doing those things.
Take care.

-Michelle

Elvira

Thank you so much for your kindness.  It truly means a lot to me..sometimes I feel so alone and yet I don't want to reach out to anyone. Your sister is right you need to control your stress so you don't end up in the hospital.  I hope you enjoy your vacation and get to relax. You certainly deserve it.  Write to me when if you get a chance and I'm sure your husband is with you and happy that you are having a little fun. 

Take care and hugs to you

Marie

Today is 14 months since John left me.  I feel like crap and miss him more than ever.  I think I need to talk to the doctor about anti depressants.  I don't want to take anything but I need this feeling of extreme sadness to go away.  Sorry to share my sadness with you just before your vaation.  Just needed to talk.

Hi Elvira

Sounds like you are going to have a lovely vacation and well deserved.  It is totally different traveling without our spouses but I'm certain that you will find peace during r ing your travels.  There will be times when you suddenly get sad and almost feel guilty that you're enjoying yourself.  At least this is how I felt at times.  I had to turn my attention to something else to get the thought out if my mind.

I'm doing alright just can't seem to shake the sadness.  My daughter is experiencing depression and that certainly doesn't help my situation. I'm trying not to show my sadness so we can help her.

I keep busy but I feel like I wait for the day to be over so I can crawl into bed and hide.  Sounds silly and you are probably the only one I would say this to.

I know you understand and are going th through your own grieve and sadness and I'm so sorry.

Have a wonderful cheerful trip.

Hugs and prayers

Marie

Hi Elvira, Thanks for writing. I completely understand how the depression makes you not want to write. I'm doing ok, the feeling of sadness just hangs onto me like it will never let go and I feel like I will never know what being completely happy again is like. I have my kids so yes I am happy for them but I can't explain it but I just don't feel complete. After the year mark instead of it getting better it has gotten worse for me. I don't say too much to people anymore because I know they don't want to hear it. So I just sit at home and cry. 

Enough about me you know how it feels I don't need to tell you.  I know what you mean about the plane ride.  I had so much anxiety knowing I was flying for hours by myself that's why I think I ended up getting sick out there.  You will have your sister so try to relax. Most importantly be positive and have a wonderful time.  You may have told me but I forgot where you are going on your trip. And the new baby will be arriving shortly and you will be a busy grandma. I know all too well how tuff it is on you and I wish I could tell you it will get better but I think it is an individual thing.  No one can say after the first year it's better I found that to not be true.  Hang in there and keep writing.  You and Barbara are a god send to me.

Hugs and prayers for peaceful times.

Marie

Hi Elvira,

Yes I am back home.  Got back last Sunday but just like you have been very busy at work and extremely sad and lonely.  People don't understand when I say I'm lonely since I just spent 10 days with my son and daughter in. law.  But I am and I was while on vacation action as well.  I just feel like a shadow of sadness follows everyday,every moment.  Sorry I didn't mean to depress you.  That's wonderful 

That you will be going on vacation soon .  It does help to get away and have moments or days when you can actually forget for awhile.  I was meaning to write you but just haven't had the energy. I think I'm going through another round of depression and I'm trying very hard to get myself out of it.  Thanks for thinking of me  that helps a lot.  I always think of you and wonder how you are doing.  I like when you post happy times on Facebook.  It makes me smile.  Take care and lots of hugs and prayers are being sent your way.

Marie

Hi Elvira,  I just wanted to see how you are doing before I leave For Denmark on Friday.  All the preparation for the trip has my anxiety levels at high.  Trying to figure everything out with the house and the dog.  I finally resolved myself to put my dog in the Kennel after asking numerous people if they would dog sit.  Yesterday one of my friends says that her daughter would watch him.  This sudden change elevated my anxiety even though I knew that it would be much better for the dog in his own home.  Do things like this happen to you?  I hope your hanging in there without too many tears.  Believe me I know that the tears can come on out of no where and at any time.  Take care of yourself and I will post when I return.

Marie

Hi Elvira, Sorry I haven't written lately. Been busy getting ready for my vacation to Scandinavia next Friday. As I probably mentioned I'm a little nervous about traveling for so many hours by myself, but this is yet one more thing that we have to get used to. Doing things by ourselves. Ever since all my company left I have been nothing but sad. Johns birthday was Tuesday and I just broke down at work to the point that I could not compose myself. My boss said it would be alright if I went home but I decided not to. It was really bad and I think it was because my house was quiet again since all the visitors left and it brought the overwhelming lonely feelings back again.

How are you doing? I love all the wedding pictures you are posting. I hope and pray that you are finding some peace each and every day.

Sending you hugs,

Marie

Elvira,  Well my little Bulgarian visitor has left and I'm left here all alone again.  I too had three busy weeks with visitors.  At times it was overwhelming and I wanted everyone to leave (silently of course).  Now that everyone is gone I feel overwhelming sadness again.  I just can't seem to over come this anger towards my friends and family that have their spouses and are enjoying summer.  I don't like being this way so I am trying very hard to work through it.  In two weeks I leave for Denmark and Norway for a summer vacation.  I will be meeting up with my son and daughter in law and her mother.  This is the first time since the accident that I will see her mother who also lost her husband.  Anyway how are you doing?  All the pictures you sent are beautiful.  I love your dress you wore to the wedding, very nice! When things finally settle down for us and we are not so busy is when we think the most of our loss.  Stay strong and know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.  I also think of Barb a lot and need to send her a message.  Hugs, Marie

Hi Elvira,

By the looks of the pictures you posted the wedding went well and you survived.  I know it was difficult but your strong and you made it.  It was nice of your son and daughter in law to take you on a trip.  You have been busy and I hope it helped to ease some of the pain and sadness.  I can only speak for myself but even when I'm busy and seemingly having a good time all of a sudden I get this wave of sadness and lonliness come over me.  I've been busy these past few weeks as well.  My daughter was in from NYC for a week then my daughter in laws 15 year old cousin came in from Bulgaria.  She is staying with me for two weeks, leaving this Saturday.  I forgot what it was like to deal with a teenager so not to sound rude or anything but I'm glad that she will be going home soon.  I haven't had a moment to relax and one of the things my therapist always tells me is to never get to tired.  I think that's why I was getting so sad these past days.  The night before the 1 year anniversary of the accident I didn't want to sleep because I was afraid I would have flash backs again of the accident.  So I didn't sleep but the night of the anniversary date I fell asleep and sure enough they all came back.  Sometimes I get up and still think this is all a mistake and everything is fine and John is alive. All we can hope for is better days to come.  Sorry for rambling on about myself.  Stay strong.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Marie